persons have visited this page since October 8, 2001
~ 2003 Form ~
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
When It Gets Tough
( NA Foundation Group - April 2003)
"Today, I will do what’s
right – I will be true to others, as with myself.
And listen to those who know.I will help those in need.
Because yesterday is gone,And tomorrow uncertain.
I will live today,For today is a present to be fulfilled and cherished.
I have hope in Today!"
Addiction feeds us
misleading information. In our active addiction, we believe and live lies while the truth
hides behind the fog of compulsions and obsessions. As we settle into abiding on the path
of recovery, we are endangered by complacency and surrounding ourselves with people who
will not call us on our games. We distance ourselves from the ones who speak the truth --
a symptom of drifting into relapse. There is a difference between isolation and time alone
for rest and meditation. In our isolation ward, we fine tune our interpretations of
personalities and what they have said to us, obsessing -- a warning bell should sound.
Attending a meeting, calling our sponsor, or contacting someone in the program becomes
lowest priority during the times most important to do so. We default to our addictive
nature and plunge toward relapse. Even those long clean relapse if they heed addiction's
reasoning.
We must choose the proven
things that have kept us clean and preserve recovery and assure spiritual growth.
Recognize the signs of danger. Notice when we have decided we are tired of meetings and
when in attendance we only hear whining instead of the honesty in other addict's honest
pain. We feel critical where we used to feel compassion. NA is not marketing or religion.
It is a hard-line, streetwise recovery program that works for addicts, damaged people,
sometimes requiring years to develop social survival skills. Getting clean without working
the Twelve Steps is perpetual stagnation. Remaining clean while never changing results in
behaviors reflecting our addictive nature, such as dishonesty and self-pity. Our growing discomfort will
force us to lash out at others. Life without the Twelve Steps assures a continuation of
addictive patterns, keeping as eye on the back door and keeping the engine running instead
of going for a relationship with a Higher Power. It may take great pain or tragedy to
motivate us to get moving towards recovery.
For some, when the going
gets tough, we look back to our earliest distinct recovery sensations. By re-living the
success of our own early recovery, positive results are triggered. If we attended many
meetings, we return. If we read recovery literature, we read. If we gathered phone
numbers and used them, we use the phone. If our pattern had been after-meeting coffee,
we go for coffee. We return to our basics, praying for peace, ninety meetings in ninety
days, reading Chapter Seven in the Basic Text, searching for errors and omissions and
deploying recovery values through caring. We meditate on early recovery: recalling
forgotten faces and conversations and bring them back into our lives. We return to sources
that had once provided perspective, perhaps a book or movie that had once inspired us. We
pray for God's help through crises. We record the prayers whether on paper or audio tape,
perhaps daily, perhaps more than once a day. Some close their eyes and visualize, others
are more auditory. You have to determine if you react more to sight, sound or touch and do
something that gives you the feeling of relief and contact with recovery. The point is to
make the reminder of prayer accessible, a hedge against the compulsion of complacency.
Look around, what could
be better? What's incomplete, undone or loose, blocking your personal progress? Who have we been
avoiding? If writing has been a tool in our recovery, we make a
"get-a-grip-list." If we keep the list in our head, we at least number the
things on our "grip-list" because numbering makes it less over-whelming. What
does out Higher Power tell us about dealing with the list? Remember, we do not have to do
this alone. We talk to our sponsor, some sponcees, and expose aspects of our list in our
home group to actualize the process and get emotional and personal support from NA
members. The "grip-list" points to that which is within and unresolved. It
organizes only what we can act upon, prioritizes and dismisses outside issues, emotional
sabotage, and nagging thoughts into coherent ideas.
Many of us have found we
required a second list, a "futility-list." It prioritizes and dismisses
overwhelming issues we have no power to act upon.
When it gets tough to
remain clean, we can resort to resources acquired through years of recovery. Addiction is
a powerful disease. It lurks like an assassin intent on compelling us to use. When under
attack, we respond as if we'd fallen into an open sewer -- we crawl out and clean
up. We will decompose through indecisiveness. Active addiction beats and kills us through
pain and hopelessness. When we ask for help, people respond and so will God.
Our program is based on
abstinence from mood altering chemicals. Among our numbers are some with medical problems
requiring medication to alleviate suffering. Such medication isn't about getting high.
Perhaps this seems inconsistent. For us to fail to recognize this is to deny understanding
of the disease of addiction as being other that a specific drug. Often, after working the
12 Steps, many member's conditions stabilize and they are about to abandon medicating.
Others remain under medical supervision. It is so hard for us to determine these things
for ourselves. When we try to determine what's right for others, we are even more
powerless and apt to judge people harshly or with prejustice.
It does not require a
third eye to see when an addict is loaded. They participate with rationalizations or
reluctance. They avoid clean addicts. The love of God includes them as members because of
their desire to stop using and many of them find ways to get back with the Program.
While what we do will
vary, it is consistent with our own experience because that is what we recommend. Write
down, recall and talk about the things that really stand out in your memory from when you
first got clean or first started feeling recovery in your life. Take enough time with this
to get several distinct things together that you can start doing again on a daily basis.
Then, start doing them. It may not work right away, but doing these things is almost sure
to get positive results for you. Get back to basics, pray for a feeling of comfort and
peace, look for key errors or omissions to remedy your feelings about recovery. NA
members have a way of making their recovery into a concentration camp by making up
unrealistic rules and expectations for themselves and others. This is insanity, not
recovery. Recovery is surrender, taking time to get things right and including others in
our lives so if we make mistakes, we can correct them without feeling trapped.
When we acknowledge that the
going has gotten tough, we can take actions to ease up on ourselves. Part of
addiction is making it hard on ourselves. Admission of our 1st Step allows us to make
changes and back off from things we are powerless over. Why does this feel so badly when
it is good for us?
In the early days of NA,
it was common for some to see our way as insufficient, many assuming they could only find
adequate sponsorship elsewhere. In the late seventies and early eighties, something
happened: we discovered our greatest and primary resource in NA was clean addicts.
We came together and remained in touch. We made the telephone part of our daily life. We
pooled means of clearing habits that led to using. Addicts discussed a clean way of life
and adapted to not using. We developed a "come early, stay late" process. Begin
the first to arrive provided an understanding that the meeting could not be there without
our being there "for the meeting." Being part of the writing of NA literature
gave many of us actual participation in the group conscience of the NA program. Recovery
came from brewing coffee, setting out chairs and literature; then remaining to pick up gum
wrappers, empty ashtrays, and stacking chairs. Doing chores provided a sense of community.
WE experienced newcomers. Some came to be detoxed so they could use manageably. Some hoped
to beat a case. Many had no idea what recovery might mean to them. Some shouted hallelujah
at one meeting and had vanished by the next. Some died. Some made ninety meetings in
ninety days and were able to keep coming back. This drew them into contact with the
experience of a new way of life. God guided them through the experience of caring for the
newcomer and found their own self-obsession going away. Within us occurred a shifting from
being around the program to being in the program. We came to understand
what it meant to identify ourselves as "addicts." Recovery was not something we had,
it was a feeling of belonging to a community of recovering people.
[3.21.04]
Essays
Complete
Abstinence
Our
program of recovery is based on total abstinence from all drugs. This is achieved by
almost all our members. We include among our addicts seeking recovery, members who have
other problems and must take medications that alleviate their suffering and do not get
them high. While in the intellectual sense, this may seem inconsistent, you have but to
open your heart to their predicament to understand their pain. To not include them would
be to deny to fact that, in our understanding, the disease of addiction is something other
than the specific drugs. These people stabilize and many eventually get off their
medications. Others may be on medication for the rest of their lives. It takes no great
wisdom to tell when an addict is loaded. They do not want to go to meetings and they
do not
seek out the company of clean addicts in NA. Perhaps the love of God allows us to include
them as members simply because of their desire.
It
is all too apparent that money is a mood altering substance. Power can affect our feelings
and conduct. Power junkies, food junkies, money junkies, sex junkies are terms we must
come to terms with sometime in our recovery. If it was just the drugs, we wouldn't need
the program to live clean. Once we were off, we could stay off. Our desire is the pointer
and it directs our lives, one way - or the other.
One Disease - One Program
In
the early days, it was not uncommon for our members to go to many places seeking recovery.
Then in the late seventies and early eighties, something different started happening.
Sponsor
of the Opposite Sex -
In many of our smaller, growing communities, it was hard to establish, much less maintain,
standards of conduct emphasizing our desire for spiritual growth. People on the path will
fall prey to all sorts of mishaps, even in love. Talking about spiritual principles is not
foreplay. Many of the emotions of heightened awareness and excitement make it easy to side
tracked from recovery into the ordinary things of life. If a sponsor is a guide to
principled living, then sex is no matter. If it becomes a matter, we need to be real
enough to separate the two human experiences: the desire for satisfaction from the desire
for a new life.
NA Sponsor -There was a time when it was hard to find an NA member with more than a
few years clean. Each one of our fledgling communities in the seventies and eighties went
through a period of establishment as the dream of NA recovery became a reality. Members
began to be able to draw on other members for strength. NA sponsors became more widely
available.
90 in 90 - Ninety meetings in ninety days allows a person to contact and
re-contact other members over a sufficient period of time to experience the beginnings of
some definite changes. That others really have had the exact same experiences and
confusion we have had sinks into our minds and hearts. We discover we care for
some of these people and as we take an interest in their well being, we begin to
experience the loss of self-obsession. We get curious about the NA Way of Live and may
begin to really work the NA 12 Step Program of recovery.
Get involved - As we become more caught up in what members are doing, we discover
feelings and attitudes that may have been sleeping in us for quite a while. We begin to
care. As we shift our focus from purely selfish concerns, we actually make the inner
movement from someone who is 'around' the program to someone who is 'in' the program. This
is when we actually become involved in the program. We make commitments and keep them. We
show up on time. We become known to other members and a part of our NA community.
Stay away from the opposite sex - Early on, it was hard to tell what was meant by
avoiding emotional relationships for a year. It sounded like well-meaning institution
speak for "do not get pregnant or catch a venereal disease while in our
hospital, we are responsible for you!" Actually, considering we will die, that means
everything gets messed up, even our sex lives! Putting time and energy into one thing can
only occur at the expense of others. Get recovery first, then you can enjoy the other
things in life without obsession or compulsion. Sex and emotional involvements produce
endorphines and we can learn to 'fix' on love as easy as dope or money!
No relationships for a year - Getting a year clean is a real event in the life of
any addict! Consider if recovery were an obstacle course, would you knowingly throw
rail road ties and concrete blocks along the pathway in front of you? Would you avoid
doing homework and cut your exams in school? Would you keep your job if you took off three
or four days a week? Almost nothing has as much power over our emotions, self-image and
pleasure circuits as a romantic relationship.
Do not pick up - Making 'not using' an option short circuits most of the diseases
power over us, at least for a while. While this may seem like 'conditioning' in some
negative respect, it is actually 'conditioning' in its best respect! Substitute going to
meetings, visiting members, going to NA dances and functions, reading recovery literature
for using. Substitute almost anything for using. Do not use. Really!
Get and use phone numbers - Our greatest resource and the primary service of NA is
clean addicts. Staying in touch by phone or internet makes recovery part of our daily
life. Quickly and naturally, we find a way of clearing away habits of thought that might
lead us back to using and discussing clean ways of looking at life. This is how addicts
can adapt to living without using.
Come
early/stay late is something many members miss out on. If we are never among the first
members to show up for a meeting, we get the association that the meeting is there for us
without us ever being there for the meeting. Help set up a meeting regularly. Then
stay late to help clean it up "better than we found it." You will never really
feel a part of NA unless you do these chores. Those who get involved with their home group
and become so involved they are among the first members to show up at the weekly meeting
get a deep sense of involvement. Watching the new members come in and the rounds of
exchanged greetings, gives us a real sense of the fellowship. Staying late and helping
with the clean up also deepens this sense of being a part of the NA Fellowship.
Leave our meeting place better than we find it. This basic has helped us enjoy
a great range of meeting places. It speaks well of our validity as a recovery program and
makes us experience the positive feelings of being responsible at the same time.
pray in AM... help
pray in PM.. Thanks
help another addict
Making and keeping commitments to
other addicts, groups and meetings.
Home group involvement ... what it is
and why it is
Group Conscience meetings... not
business meetings.. Attendance a must
Listen and take direction... follow
it too
Share in every meeting... at least
the first 3 to share to insure no bullshit.
Get with the old-timers and newcomers
too.
Give out and get phone numbers
Get to the meeting early.
Go out after the meeting for coffee,
food addicts house.
Fellowship with all
Get into service structure
Serve the home group
Read any and all lit about NA
Go to out of town meetings
Support struggling groups/meetings
Start new meetings
Do local PI/H&I work
Stay away from people, places and
things that might get you loaded
Watch out for indirect obsession
Do not act our on feelings
Make a decision... where you gonna
serve
Contact your sponsor every day
No major decisions in the first year
Do not do anything without talking to
your sponsor first
Write about your feelings
Stay for the whole meeting
Do not leave during the meeting... you
might miss something that will save your life
A full meeting is from the opening
prayer to the closing prayer
Put up newcomers
Give people rides
Go that one extra mile... stay on the
phone one extra minute...
Speak in language that reflects the
NA way of life
Read the meeting readings
Speak after 90/90
speak on your anniversary
No drug a logs
Do not give therapeutic type feedback
in meetings
Do not make comments after people
share
Do not chair a meeting like a
therapist runs group therapy
Gotta give it away to keep it
Willing to go to any length to stay
clean
Do things we do not want or like
to do
Have group conscience meetings on a
regular basis
People share willingly in the
meetings.. no raising of hands, just introduce
Do not call on people in meetings
Go around the room if needed so
people will share
Fill all of the meeting/group trusted
servant positions
Go to all NA events in the town, area
and region
Support other NA in the town
Doing something good for someone and
not telling anyone that you did it
Relationships: Then and Now
The
following is by no means to be a guide or cure all to the problems many of us encounter in
relationships. Rather, it is the freely shared experience of our members.
While
actively using, true meaningful connections between people, including ourselves, seemed
impossible. Acceptance, friendship or the simple love from another seemed to be our most
elusive goal. When the use of chemicals ended, our senses seemed to awaken tenfold. We
allowed ourselves feelings and responded to others in ways strange to us. For the first
time in our lives, relationships began to have a sense of meaning.
In
recovery, we seem amazed at how many forms of relationships we may allow ourselves.
Before, our thinking may have been very limited in understanding the word
"relationship." Many of us may have naturally thought of this topic in the
male/female form. But this subject, while talked about often at meetings, covers a very
broad area.
We
now realize that we can have relationships with other men, women, children, employers, our
Higher Power, ourselves and so on. The list may seem endless once we permit ourselves the
freedom that is given to each of us. We come to the conclusion that it is important to
deal with all forms of relationships. If they are good, bad or indifferent, we have to
deal with them somehow. It is necessary in our program of recovery to respect first
ourselves and our lives for what they are. This lays the groundwork for any association we
may have with others.
Our
capacity to have meaningful relationships has been damaged by our self centered attitude
and the kind of thinking we developed over time as our disease progressed. We learn to
stop making excuses for our past and accept our reality. We need to realize that there are
many recovering addicts struggling with the same feelings regarding relationships.
It
is important to begin forming new bonds with people who are going to teach us a new way of
life. We begin to trust them and believe in the principles of this program.
Relationships
are a process and in anything we do, we need to always remember that we only need to
improve, we will never stop growing. We need to challenge our `old beliefs' about
relationships. We learn from our past mistakes that led to problems in dealing with
others. We accept the fact that work and effort must be applied and are willing to make
the necessary changes.
But
what changes and options are available? This list may also seem unlimited, considering we
all walk different paths in our recovery. What works for one may not work for another. We
need not dwell on the negatives in our relationships but instead nurture our positive
qualities. In the past, we may have thought that a troubled relationship was not worth
saving. We were blinded by chemicals and unsure feelings. In essence we weren't sure what
we wanted and where we were headed.
Today,
we can envision our relationships with others and how we would like them to be. We learn
to develop any associations we have in the present moment and proceed from there. If we
allow ourselves to be tormented by past memories or threatened by future worries, we may
never attain a truly loving relationship. Unnecessary stress will be placed on all our
daily encounters.
Honesty,
trust, open communication, acceptance, courage and wisdom are some of the more important
aspects of leading a spiritual life and nurturing both existing and new found
relationships. Many of us never learned these attributes or lost them while we were using.
However, we can acquire them through listening at meetings, using the Serenity Prayer and
working the Twelve Steps. [Input from Philadelphia Area Lit]
NO
COMPROMISE
One
of the most painful and degrading actions my active addiction demanded of me was that I
consistently had to compromise my ideals to survive. I had grown up believing in honesty
and personal integrity. I had learned to be "... as good as my word." In my youth,
before active addiction stole my self-worth, I was a person of my word. You could believe
what I said. You could count on me. I believed in certain principles, and consistently
stood up for them. I was not always right but I stood up for what I believed. My belief
system was based in my perception of reality. Honesty was honesty, and like pregnancy, you
either were or you weren't. Personal integrity meant doing the right thing for the right
reason, telling the truth, living without deceit, being fair, just, standing up for
principles courageously and accepting the consequences of my actions.
Addiction
altered my behavior. Reality became uncomfortable, eventually intolerable. I needed more
and more drugs to survive. when I was under the influence of drugs, honesty and integrity
were less important and often inconvenient. Between `runs', honesty and integrity were
burdens that would have prevented getting more drugs and the relief I needed. My values
were still there, however and the only escape from this inner conflict of addiction vs.
conscience was to use more drugs. Eventually addiction conquered conscience. Dishonesty,
deceit and injustice became as much a part of my life as drugs. I would do whatever was
needed, say whatever was required, be whoever the drug culture I lived in expected, to get
the money and drugs my addiction demanded. Whatever the consequences of my actions were,
there always seemed to be enough drugs to compensate.
Dishonesty,
deceit and cowardice became habitual. My self-esteem was lost to the demands of active
addiction. I lied and stole for practice, even when I did not need to. I laughed at honest
people who stood up for their beliefs and called them square and used them. Living up to
principles made them vulnerable, I thought them weak. Addiction twisted reality cruelly so
that I began to feel that my dishonesty and deceit could result in some benefit for them.
After all, I thought, I am sophisticated and they are naive. I was baffled when their pain
and confusion increased. I gradually began to see myself as hopelessly immoral. The drugs
slowly stopped working so well and conscience nagged me about my dishonesty and cowardice.
My denial forced me to continue telling me that I had become such a bad person that there
was no hope. I had become what I despised and there was no reconciliation between my actions
and my ideals. Only death or permanent institutionalization could save the world from my
taint. I began killing myself with drugs. It didn't work. The fog of addiction thickened
and I groped hopelessly for help.
Blindly
I reached out and you took my hand. Narcotics Anonymous rescued me from my dishonest,
deceitful, cowardly drug-altered world of self-destruction. You taught me that I was
powerless over the disease of addiction. I stopped using. You taught me that simple
abstinence was not enough. I got honest. You taught me to walk my prayer. I stopped
compromising. Courage came slowly and painfully. You taught me that addiction had many
more symptoms that just drug use. I did not understand that at first. My dishonesty, my
deceitfulness and cowardice were more difficult to abstain from than drugs. You showed me
actively that the spiritual principles of recovery were pure. You taught me by example
that compromising on these principles was just as self-destructive as using drugs. The
faith to act can only come from acting on faith. My way did not work any better in recovery
than it had in active addiction. My life had become unmanageable, and as I accepted this,
my mind opened. Watching you live clean and recover led me to believe in abstinence,
accept my condition, and gave me the faith to try recovery.
Narcotics
Anonymous taught me that anything less than a total commitment to all twenty-four
spiritual principles of recovery and sharing is denial of my decision to turn my will and
life over to the Spirit of recovery. I perceive. Therefore, I cannot compromise.
Acceptance is acceptance. Reality shows me that I am powerless over addiction and my life
is unmanageable by me. I can choose to accept that or deny it. Recovery demands
acceptance. Faith is faith. Hope comes from faith in my life and I believe I can recover.
I need to act on this faith or become hopeless again. Commitment is uncompromising to me.
It is surrender in action. Honesty is honesty. Recovery reinforces personal integrity for
me. I am free to be as honest, courageous and just as I am willing to be uncompromising on
spiritual principles.
This
kind of limitless recovery forces me to accept my humanity. I fall short of my goals
consistently. But by "... shaping my thoughts with the spiritual principles ...
(I am)
... moving toward, ... (I am) ... free to become who ... (I) .. want to be."
When
I compromise spiritual principles in my life, I limit my recovery. When I compromise
spiritual principles in my service, I deny addicts the recovery they seek. Just as
acceptance is acceptance, faith is faith and honesty is honesty, so group conscience is
group conscience, direct responsibility is direct responsibility and anonymity is
anonymity. Compromise of these spiritual principles in service brings me similar
life-limitation to compromise in my recovery. Except that the life I may limit, the
recovery that I may deny, is often someone else's.
Our
predecessors taught us that "Half measure's avail us nothing". Compromising
Spiritual Principles in recovery and service can only hurt. My recovery demands
uncompromising honesty and personal integrity. Real recovery and true service means NO
COMPROMISE.
Quality
not quantity
We
do not need to be politically correct, because in the spirit of anonymity, we are all
basically the same.
The
large linen 12 steps & 12 traditions banners hanging on the wall of our group help us
focus on the principles when sharing; and, it inspires purpose and thought; thus, giving a
good NA focus.
It's
okay - you used today, but come back clean tomorrow. And even if you used, come anyway and
listen; we care and have been there. But if you used within 24 hours, please refrain from
commenting.
Regarding
total abstinence, we include everyone and encourage everyone to get clean. While some
members need to take medication, we do not separate ourselves. In the spirit of anonymity,
we are all basically the same. We do not make one member different from one another.
"Oh, he's too sick; he needs that medication for his suicidal depression." We
are all examples of hope. Anyone can get clean and stay clean. If we believe in the
miracle of NA, in the miracle of our second step, it will work for us. No matter who you
are, it can work; but, you are no different. Maybe we can not help everyone, but we know
that total abstinence works, and we encourage anyone to try it. In time of illness, sure,
medication may be required; but, our bodies, minds, and spirits do not know the difference
between street, homegrown, prescribed, over-the counter or not-yet-invented drugs.
Three
musts:
Say the serenity prayer
Live in the here and now
Keep the focus on yourself
Share your strength, experience, and
hope
Be there for someone else, even if it
is just to listen and not speak
Feelings pass
Live in the solution, not the problem
Do you want to be right or do you
want to be happy?
Carry a meeting list with you at all
times
Exchange phone numbers
Circle an entire week's worth of
meetings on a meeting list for the newcomer, and suggest that he/she attend one meeting a
day.
Share
honestly about your feelings, even if you are not yet ninety days clean. This is
especially important if you feel like using drugs or if you are having compulsions to
steal or act out violently, and if you are feeling angry, fearful, and/or otherwise
suffering. It is important!
These
things kept me coming back:
Addiction,
as a disease, negates the idea that each drug used entails a different approach to
recovery. The idiosyncrasies of each drug used may vary; but, recovery is a simple and
unified path. Abstinence is mandatory to initiate and continue this process. The urge to
differentiate one's using and consequences thereof serves no purpose but to diffuse
efforts towards recovery. Wasted motion for recovery can kill. Concentration of our
endeavors toward recovery insures our survival. The process of recovery is slow and
tedious. Distraction from this focus is similar to our active addiction's compulsion to
avoid reality by changing our playgrounds and playthings.
The
monomaniacal search for drugs can be our most pointed example of our disease. This same
energy directed towards our spiritual growth and ongoing abstinence can be the practical
application of actions and ideas learned or developed in active addiction, now transposed
to positive results.
We
make NA our priority to stay clean. Put the same effort we used into getting high to stay
clean. Made NA the most important thing in our life. NA comes ahead of girlfriends and
boyfriends. Maintain a humble and honest job, going out with people after the meeting,
getting involved in NA service committee- especially fun things like newsletters, special
events, making cookies and goodies to bring to our home groups. Our families and real
friends who care about us will see the change in us and will encourage our positive
obsession in the fellowship. Some may not understand, and we do not need to explain it to
them, because only we know our happiness and despair of active addiction.
New
concepts:
What comes around goes around
What you give is what you get
What you put into it is what you get
out of it
Be positive and stay positive moving
forward
We are the only ones who can be
responsible for our recovery and do anything about it.
Surrender
is the key. Surrender is going from the losing side to the winning side. Surrender is not
losing, it is not joining the losers, it is joining the winners. Surrender to the disease
that wants to kill you. Surrender to the fact that your best thinking got you headed for
jails, institutions and death. Surrender to the fact that life is simple; addicts make it
complicated. Surrender to the fact that as an addict you have a progressive, incurable,
fatal disease.
For
addicts seeking recovery, it is nice to remember that change is a part of life. The great
thing about life is that we can always change things about ourselves, the way we take what
is given to us- we can change the way we perceive the world. The serenity prayer is a nice
way of getting grounded and stepping back. If we are willing to surrender to the things we
cannot change and move on, we will be part of the solution. For newcomers, it is important
to try to do things differently. To try to get off the beaten path and try new ways. Our
old ways kept us sick, trying something new could be something that opens part of us that
previously had been closed. Honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness can help us to have
the courage to do things differently. If we get stuck in a rut, we can pray for the
willingness to be open-minded.
As
addicts, we tend to rely on ourselves most of the time. But it is this same self-reliance
which feeds our disease causing us to perceive our world as manageable and generally O.K..
But under the foundation of denial, our spirit burns like an underground oil-well fire:
quiet, seemingly calm, but eventually bound to erupt causing great damage. It is important
to do what we can to seek the help of other recovering addicts for anything we do or
require assistance in. This way, other recovering addicts can share their experience,
strength and hope in a most personal and convincing way. It is a win-win situation.
Inclusiveness,
not exclusiveness. We are all the same. The disease affects us all. We want to isolate and
exclude ourselves with our differences and uniqueness. Our idiosyncrasies are often
aspects of our disease, or drug induced aberrations of our personalities. The common
ground of addiction eliminates a "pecking order" or "rank". No one of
us is different when our disease brings us to surrender.
We
could not live and enjoy life and enjoy life as others do. Taking care of ourselves was a
struggle. Small things were put off until they became massive and impossible to deal with.
The day to day routine was so boring, yet taking care of our needs seemed not worth the
effort. Today we can take the time to attend to the basic things in life that lead to a
sense of manageability- cleaning the bathroom, dusting, taking out the trash.
We
regain the abilities that we once used to live in the real world. The pressures of
addiction often overrode our command or realistic attitudes, ideas and emotions. Recovery
gradually allows us to change into real humans, not just look like them.
Carry
the message not the addict. We are messages of hope. Our actions speak louder than words.
A friend had relapsed, which I believe is a sign of asking for help. I had to confront him
about it. It was painful to do, but I told him I knew he was using, that it was bound to
surface. I could see the death and despair of addiction in his eyes. We told him we'd been
there, and that NA had saved our lives. We encouraged him to go to the nearest and next
meeting. That's the best place for a relapsing addict. The power of the group works
miracles. That's where our strength and focus come from. I pray for people who are hurting
and then anyone who comes to my mind-- which is funny, because quite often the people
I am
resenting or jealous of or afraid of come up in my prayers, too, and I am at ease. The
desire and willingness to recover will change; it is different with each addict. I believe
my best moments are when I am grateful or surrendered to a commitment in service. We see
clearly when this gratitude is put into action. Unconditionally loving our members (no
matter what), forgiveness and empathy is what helps us recover. This miracle is our
answer. NA saves us, or anyone from addiction. We can recover. The hardest thing is asking
for help.
Dealing
with feeling tired, miserable, and uncomfortable can really be challenging. There are
things we can do to get through these periods in recovery. Getting enough rest and eating
properly may help. Listening to other recovering addicts share their experience, strength,
and hope can provide insight for us; and, perhaps, also give us what we need at that
moment. Hearing other recovering addicts say that in recovery they learned how to get
through difficult times, can give us hope that we can do the same. Staying clean, no
matter what, gives us the opportunity to figure out what will work for us when we
are not
feeling good. Staying clean in spite of our negative feelings and attitudes will gives us
the opportunity to have real change occur in our lives. Gaining perspective on what we
really need can be achieved by us like it was for others. Complaining can only put us in a
place of lacking and insufficiency. Gratitude is the antithesis of this, and gratitude can
keep us clean. Having gratitude for the things we want as well as the things we have can
ease the suffering created in our desires.
Be
an active listener-- do not just try to get your thoughts out, but be there for someone
else's need. Be open to what they are saying and accept it or not accept it and talk about
it then. Harboring past conversations takes me away from the day.
Live
in today- in thought and action. I find that if I cannot do anything about a given
situation, because the opportunity does not present itself today, then I better save
myself the anguish of the "what ifs" and focus on what is before me at the
present time. This also includes re-living past situations (resentments) which I have been
unable to let go of. The re-living of painful situations brings to light the destructive,
self-defeating aspect of the disease of addiction and I need to talk about it and find out
what other members do when presented with this. I need to get humble and get the help by
asking for it.
Talking with other
addicts before or after a meeting or just when you find yourself wanting to talk to
someone who has some life experience with addiction is a great help. Sometimes, it seems,
that when your thoughts become burdensome and/or you are having trouble making an
important decision relating to work, relationships or life in general and you still need
to cope with the "straight world", sharing your thoughts with another recovering
addict can be vital to your mental health. This is why it is suggested in the literature
to obtain phone numbers of other recovering addicts and use the phone numbers. As
addicts, we sometimes feel awkward about reaching out and calling other addicts for help
if not just to talk out of boredom. But this feeling soon passes once the addict on the
other side of the phone line answers. You'll find that very often that that addict
is relieved and happy that someone actually wants to talk to him/her. Both parties benefit
from such a reaching out. Remember that the same brain that motivated your actions when
coping dope on the streets or wherever is the same brain that is unable to sometimes make
decisions in your best interest. Call, share or write to other addicts in recovery. Bounce
your thoughts, ideas and feeling off of them. It will help them as well as yourself. And
soon you will be on a good path.
SURRENDER
Many of us who are
members have heard about surrender, but do we truly understand what it is about? The
following is one addict's experience with surrender.
"I attended a
meeting recently where there was a newcomer sharing about letting go, of 'turning it
over.' 'What does this mean?', he asked. And all around the room, the old timers all
looked at each other as if to say, 'You want to field this one?'
"Truthfully,
surrender is one of the most profound personal experiences that exist. But sadly, not many
truly ever experience a powerful, spirit cleansing surrender. Maybe it is because even
though we want to let go of certain ideas, behaviors, and situations outside of ourselves,
we rarely ever truly surrender. The pain must be great, even unbearable before we truly
surrender what it bothering us.
"What we surrender
to when we come into Narcotics Anonymous is a powerful program of recovery. We get here in
pain, and we surrender the disease to recovery. Later, when we have had some time in the
fellowship, we discover that there are other things that we must surrender, things that
are causing us nearly as much pain as using. For some this has been relationships, for
others this has been behaviors, but the one thing that rings true for us all is that we
must continue our path of recovery, or we will use drugs again. Continuing down this path
involves doing the same things that we did in the beginning; looking at ourselves to see
where we are in recovery today. Often, after this self-examination, we find that we are
not where we want to be in recovery, that we want to be 'more recovered'. It is at this
time that the pain of change begins. It can be said that this pain is not necessary, but
many of us have experience that it is. Without awareness, we cannot change. Without pain,
we would not know joy, or serenity. Our pain is necessary for our individual, and
collective growth. And yet we hear in our meetings, 'You're right where you're supposed to
be,' when we share this pain. The truth is, we are right where we are supposed to be.
Through sharing, and obsessing over our personal problems, we learn that we get exactly
what comes as a result of obsession: pain. It is then that we learn how to surrender
because it is necessary for our survival as recovering addicts. We learn how to surrender
by experiencing our pain, and it becomes easier as we walk down the path of recovery. Our
level of pain that we can take becomes less and less, and we surrender quicker each time.
By surrendering to this new way of life, we are finally able to learn that it takes each
of us to help each other to the spiritual principle of surrender. We each have times when
we are unable to see what we need to do next. That is when we reach out to our sponsors,
our meetings, and the fellowship. Invariably they will tell us to 'keep coming back', and
'don't leave before the miracles happen'. Then one day, we realize that the miracle they
spoke of was our own recovery, having grown by surrendering our will."
Spirit
Awakens
I
came to find this fellowship after a long search. I really do not know what I was searching
for, but when I walked through the door of that first meeting and was told to "keep
coming back", I felt that you all had what I wanted, and were willing to give it to
me, if only I asked. It took me a while before this first awakening came to me. "We
are not going to hand this to you on a silver platter", I was told.
You
had to ask. "If you want what we have to offer and are willing to make the effort to
get it then you are ready to take certain steps, these are the principles that made our
recovery possible."
Well
I was more than willing, I was "wanting it all now." The next great awakening
for me was perspective. I either did whatever until it was all gone or I lost interest.
"Sounds like addiction to me", someone said.
I
learned the meanings of obsession and compulsion. I learned that it can be beneficial to
me and the fellowship if I make service an obsession. The only thing is I can
not expect
anything in return for my selfless efforts. The rewards are much greater than anything
that can be expressed on paper. This spiritual program has given me back the self respect
I lost while running from the truth. These things we are in search for are all but
glimpses of the way things are meant to be. We will find them in Gods time.
"Coincidences are miracles in which God chooses to remain anonymous." So keep in
mind that the gifts we receive that touch the heart are the truths we once were searching
for, and the awakening is in changing the old patterns and knowing we are getting what we
need and not what we want. So get ready for the awakening of a Spirit that lives inside of
you that was harnessed and put to rest by the abuses and habits learned and adopted as a
way of living. Today we are awakened to a new way of life. The truth will set you free
from the old way of living and into a new way of life. Today I can feel and I have a lot
of empathy for the newcomer. I know your pain and I believe in my heart we can love you
until you learn to love yourself. So please give yourself a break and let us help you and
give me a break and do not try to manipulate. Just ask and you may find we will give you
the answer you were searching for all along. And if you do get the answer that you want,
get honest. Honesty is the truth. The spirit awakens. - Anonymous
[3.21.04]
persons have visited this page since October 8, 2001
Reprinted from the
N.A. FELLOWSHIP USE ONLY
Copyright � December 1998
Victor Hugo Sewell, Jr.
NA Foundation Group
P.O. Box 213
Cleveland, Ohio 44022-0213
[email protected]
gratefully powered by ezweb.net
All rights reserved. This draft may be copied by members of Narcotics Anonymous for the purpose of writing input for future drafts, enhancing the recovery of NA members and for the general welfare of the Narcotics Anonymous Fellowship as a whole. The use of an individual name is simply a registration requirement of the Library of Congress and not a departure from the spirit or letter of the Pledge, Preface or Introduction of this book. Any reproduction by individuals or organizations outside the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous is prohibited. Any reproduction of this document for personal or corporate monetary gain is prohibited.
Last update August 28, 2004