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CHAPTER
EIGHTEEN
Gender
and the
Mess
One of the
amazing things about the experiences shared in recovery is that we have lived
them all, (comma to separate
out the clause) or will
experience them ourselves, eventually. Experiences do not need any explanation.
Living and enjoying life is the essence of life anyway. In our recovery
literature, we read what others share on topics of mutual interest. The feeling
that others care reinforces our desire for recovery and encourages us to reach
for things that weren't possible not so long ago. One thing that we have learned
is that the message of recovery in Narcotics Anonymous doesn't have a gender.
People are people and no one group of people has a corner on suffering. In our
isolation, we are unable to see very far beyond ourselves and our identity
group. Feelings don't have a gender nor do they have behaviors.
Although some
of us have to overcome a moderately to severely dysfunctional up-bringing, we
must remember that each of us has their OUR
(first/third person agreement)
own painful reality to deal with. The experience we share may or may not apply
to their ANOTHER'S
(single/plural agreement)
situation. Being a good listener is important here. We may differ in details yet
the pains PAIN IS
(misspelling) the same. If
we suffered abuse at the hands of a member of the opposite or the same sex, it
may take time and work for us to trust any member of that PERSON'S
(clarity) gender. Our own
issues may keep us from hearing the recovery another addict shares, simply
because of their HIS OR HER
(single/plural agreement)
gender. These issues can motivate us to judge and compare ourselves with others.
Sometimes
slowly, we learn that this is a 'WE' Program and includes both men and women. To
feel that we have to live as though it was them against us, confines us in a
world that is narrower than it needs to be. In time,
(comma to separate out the clause) as
we work the program, we develop a point of view that allows us to live life as
free human beings amongst all other human beings. There is no way to win the
�war of the sexes� by fighting. The suffering that one experiences from the loss of the other side FROM THE OTHER SIDE LOSING (clarity)
does not bring any peace and joy. Stereotyping is one thing that fueled the lie, (incorrect
comma use; perhaps use �:� instead) "Once an addict, always an addict." The point is that we
need to be gentler when it comes to judging each other and helping each other.
Let us all remember that love and nurturing, as well as anger and violence, can
exist within any individual. We addicts are capable of the entire spectrum.
Communication
between the sexes, especially among addicts, is even more awkward than
conversations between non-addicts. Other problems, whether our own or another's,
such as mistaken identity, defensiveness, past painful experiences, etc.,
(comma use is traditional here)
all make for difficulties in this crucial area of recovery. Out of the confusion
that has dominated our lives, we begin to learn how to live. Many of us have
special insight not only into our lives but also into our inter-personal
relationships with others. Working the 4th Step, we find assets among what we
thought were liabilities and this affirms our sense of identity. No longer do we
feel that we are at the mercy of the forces that surround us. Our
self-acceptance, (comma to
separate out the clause)
as well as the freedom from the ego-induced fears,
(comma to separate out the clause)
grows as we get over our self-centeredness. Finally, we reach a point in
recovery where we are no longer limited to the scope of our personal power in
seeking direction for our lives. Something greater is caring for us. Basking in
this freedom, we find ourselves at a deeper level of acceptance about our
strengths and weaknesses. We reach out and discover many things about the world
around us. Not only are we able to come out of the closet
(comment: is this a good phrase to use as it will easily be read as coming out
as homosexual?), we are
able to go back and clean out the closet! When we become receptive to the forces
of life around us, we can give and receive more freely. We have much revealed to
us that we couldn't see or make sense of before. This is what being clean is all
about. By helping others, we get help. When we share the truths that we discover
with others, we increase our understanding as well as opening new doors for
ourselves. Our sharing goes far beyond simple conversation. We demonstrate our
love for one another and teach others that ask for help what we have learned.
We measure
intimacy between people in terms of trust and shared experiences. A test of our
motives and honesty is whether we act the same towardS
(single/plural agreement)
or treat a person the same as we would our same-sex best friend in a similar
opportunity. Respect for others' feelings and privacy is the building block of
having successful, intimate relationships. In recovery, we learn that intimate
relationships are possible for us no matter the gender of the other person.
Intimacy is a �fact of life� and we will face it during our recovery. We
emphasize that if you are sincere in your desire and put your recovery first,
chances are that you will come through the tension and strain of any
relationship, clean. (Comment:
using 'you' is introduced here. Should
it not be �we/our�?)
It's when we put other things first that we seem to get in the most trouble. Our
disease can make it seem as if a person, place,
(comma use) or thing got
us loaded yet we all know that's a lie. We must take care not to drift into this
justification mode lest we are sucked under and drown in the whirlpool of
addiction. The presence of our desire for recovery makes us members of this
Fellowship from the first moment that we commit to living the NA way of life. We
cease to be members when we lose this desire, no matter whether we use or not.
Some of our members have experienced a non-chemical relapse and have awakened
the next day feeling like they had a physical hangover. Spiritual relapse is
sometimes our last warning that something is terribly wrong with the way we are
working the Program. It can be a strong motivator for us to renew our commitment
to recovery.
One of the
benefits that comes from going to many meetings, (comma use isn't needed here)
is that we learn not to practice our natural yet diseased ability to label the
people, places, and things in our daily lives. Part of the damage done through
active addiction is that we forget what everyday life is like and that everyone
else feels the same things that we do. We spend a lot of time over-reacting or
under-reacting to situations that need a response from us. It takes time to get
it right. It is hard to overcome the social conditioning that we get from the
wide range of advice-sellers and professional advice-givers. In the end, we
realize that it's our responsibility to live our lives. We cannot blame our
problems on others once we begin to take personal responsibility for our lives.
Many of us struggle with obsessive thoughts of continuing to blame others and we
can easily alienate ourselves as part of our addiction's general isolation.
It is a
clearly recognizable part of our disability to act repeatedly on our preset
responses to common situations. Many of us do not even know what it means to
date or have a casual relationship. Many of us do not know what it is like to
depend on others without being constantly let down. Much of recovery is
discovery - and it is this inquisitive attitude that enables us to do things
differently in order to experience the variations that life offers. Some of us
had the �couples� mentality so deeply instilled in us that having friends
without sex was impossible. With a �couples� mentality, (comma use isn't needed here)
we view every encounter as a potential marriage or relationship. We have to
approach others PEOPLE (clarity) carefully to actually understand and experience what the other
person is saying or doing. We find life between estrangement and total intimacy.
So much of our lives are lived in the fear of the recurrence of past pain. We
spend so much time with our guard up that we can't see what's happening today!
We carry our pasts into our present and our childhood is with us forever.
Society as a
whole is like the ocean,
(comma use for clarity)
with all kinds of life in it. We seek to feel that we have a protected place for
our recovery. We do not knowingly swim with sharks or unquestionably accept
everything just because it comes from the greater culture. We share with one
another the freedom to determine what our way of life will be from day to day.
If we did not stress this freedom, we would be ignoring the sensitivities that
our members have because of painful experiences from their active addiction. It
is safe to say that we suffer from a family disease. Some of the abuse we
survived and learned as children will continue to make us overly sensitive
today. Addicts who were victimized may feel more alarm than necessary, until
they get used to their new state of existence in recovery. Others who were
taught to hide their emotions suffer in many of the same ways. Those of us
reared in dictatorial households have a similar problem as TO
(clarity) those who
automatically feel inferior to others. It is difficult to recognize the similarity SIMILARITIES (to agree in the plural with 'differences')
because it is so easy to see the differences. In general, we regard
everything that happens in recovery as something we need to know about. Usually,
we need more than one response to the situations that arise during the process
of recovery. Social standards may or may not have a place in this and that is
for each of us to determine. This is not to say that we act crazily or wildly.
Most of us are rather calm in recovery except in situations that can arouse
great pain or fear in us. Recovery helps us settle down to living life on life's
terms but we must constantly move towards this goal.
Most of our
members seek sponsors of the same sex. They feel that this allows them to have a
sponsor who identifies with them as a man or as a woman without the necessity
for explanations that might arise between men and women. Reflecting on the great
variety of our members, there are those who have to find a person who suits them
regardless of what others may think. Sincerity speaks for itself in spite of the
fact that our members sometimes live beyond established norms.
An addict
shared: "I was so eager and anxious to learn new things to do when I first
got clean. I had the impatience that newcomers seem especially susceptible to
catching. I began to see all the things wrong and wanted to fix them all
immediately. Only one other female went to NA meetings in my hometown so I asked
her to be my sponsor. She agreed and when I asked her what to do first and was
told to get material other than NA, I quickly thanked her and told her, (incorrect comma use; perhaps use �:� instead)
�No no (I think
the lower case is proper here, but not sure),
thanks.� I went into a depression because I felt like all the
hope that I found in the rooms was lost.
"Thank
you,
(comma use isn't needed here � or add one after 'God' as well) God
for the men and women in recovery who only care whether another addict stays
clean or not. I've had five sponsors, two males and three females. I learned
valuable lessons from each,
(comma use for clarity)
and each will forever occupy that special place in my heart. I used to hear
others share about meeting the first person with whom you could so closely
identify. The most shocking revelation is that I'm a middle-aged grandmother and
my �mirror-image� has turned out to be a twenty-year old �gentleman.� He
is wonderful and it's most amazing that everything he says is �me.�
"These
are the gifts that my Higher Power gives me, every day that I choose to stay
clean and try to live the NA way of life. Early recovery takes place in the
midst of pain and confusion. We need to find a balance between what we hear that
makes sense to us and what feels right. If it feels right but makes no sense and
doesn't work, we can make changes to get better results. If something seems to
make sense yet fails to satisfy our need for a spiritual feeling, we will
eventually abandon those efforts that conflict with our internal guidance
systems. As we begin to accept others into our lives, we try to respect their
feelings and living requirements. We do this even if their way of moving towards
recovery is different from ours."
We do not
apologize for our openness. It plays a big part in our common welfare. Gender
confusion is a reality of the world in which we live. Some of us need to learn
how the opposite sex works in order to learn that they are not so different.
This is how we begin to identify with persons of that gender. Many of our
members suffer confusion about gender issues. We must learn not to isolate from
another addict simply because of their gender.
It is a good
thing that we look at our similarities and not the things that would separate or
divide us. The idea is to encourage each other to be whole,
healthy human beings A
WHOLE, HEALTHY HUMAN BEING (to agree with the implied singular in 'each other'). We can be gentle and loving while being strong and
assertive. In other words, we can all be human and express our emotions in a way
that matches our true personalities and meets the situation or demands of the
moment. We want our Fellowship to be a safe environment and not another place
with severe social pressures and punishments for non-conforming offenders.
We will
experience many types of relationships. Our relationships are usually one
of two types, (comma use for
clarity) and give us the
opportunity to ask questions and experience different types and degrees of
closeness. Small �r� relationships include friends in our home groups, our
local Fellowship, our sponsor, family and co-workers. We enjoy giving special
attention and support without reservation or expectations to the special people
in our lives. Large �R� relationships are the exclusive loving of a specific
individual where the sharing of life becomes a commitment to the other person.
These relationships affect our health, our finances and our overall well-being.
If the other person has family or financial obligations, these become ours as
well. If the other person has health problems, we accept them as our own. What
we do becomes the proper business of the other. It is hard for the freedom of
spirit and action to survive the demands placed on individuals by the demands of
a �Relationship� in early recovery. First things first. We aren't moralizing
because we know how hard our emotions can be on us,
(comma use for clarity)
and we have to protect our fragile desire to live better lives against the
intense battering of these emotional issues. When we do get in a relationship,
there is a dance going on between our desire for recovery and our desire to get
lost in the love of the other person.
Viva le
difference! The physical differences between men and women are a fact of
biology. They can also hinder us in developing close relations or friendships
with members of the opposite sex. Some suffer with the confusion of determining
their sexual preferences as well as the inability to trust neither male nor
female. Those unaccustomed to these differences need to spend a little extra
time with their sponsor or friends of the opposite sex to gain information they
may not have learned from their families as children. People with our disorder
are entirely capable of the most glaring deficiencies when it comes to basic
information. WE (clarity and
to make it less of a command) dDevelop a questioning mind, keep it open, feed it new ideas, and
watch it grow. We can compare ourselves out of having close associations with
other people regardless of their gender, (comma use for clarity) and we can disqualify ourselves by selecting and obsessing on the
points of conflict and dissimilarity. While we may never resolve all of our
issues, we can still enjoy members of the opposite sex. The growth that we gain
in dealing with other human beings is phenomenal.
[7.5.08]
Lit Review -
Jacksonville WOLF marks in red, deletions removed.
All Amsterdam marks factored into document.
CHAPTER
EIGHTEEN
Gender
and the
Mess
One of the
amazing things about the experiences shared in recovery is that we have survived.
We will experience them ourselves,
eventually
if we do not find a
way out.
These
experiences do not need any explanation.
Living and enjoying life is the essence of life
and we pursue
happiness in recovery. In our recovery
literature, we read what others share on topics of mutual interest.
Acquired memories
give us a new way to learn.
The feeling
that others care reinforces our desire for recovery and encourages us to reach
for things that weren't possible not so long ago. One thing that we have learned
is that the message of recovery in Narcotics Anonymous doesn't have a gender.
People are people and no one group of people has a corner on suffering. In our
isolation, we are unable to see very far beyond ourselves and our identity group
gets smaller. Feelings don't have a gender nor do they have
gender specific
behaviors.
Although some of us have to overcome a dysfunctional up-bringing, we must remember that each of us has our own painful reality to deal with. The experience we share may or may not apply to another's situation. Being a good listener is important here. We may differ in details yet the pain is the same. It may take time and work for us to trust any member of a person of the abuser's sex. Our own issues may keep us from hearing the recovery another addict shares, simply because of his or her gender. These issues can cause us to have a gender specific prejudice.
As
we attend NA meetings, we learn that this is a 'WE' Program and includes both men and women. To
feel that we have to live as though it was "them against us," confines us. In time,
as
we work the program, we develop a point of view that allows us to live life as
free human beings amongst all other human beings. There is no way to win the
�war of the sexes� by fighting. The suffering that one experiences from
the other side losing
does not bring any peace and joy. Stereotyping is one of the things that fueled the lie, :"Once
as addict, always an addict."
Just because a
person is a man or a woman does not mean the abuse is likely to recur.
The point is that we
need to be gentler when it comes to judging each other and helping each other.
Let us all remember that love and nurturing, as well as anger and violence, can
exist within any individual. We addicts are capable of the entire spectrum.
Communication
between the sexes, especially among addicts, is even more awkward than
conversations between non-addicts. Other problems, whether our own or another's,
such as mistaken identity, defensiveness, past painful experiences, etc.,
all make for difficulties in this crucial area of recovery. Out of the confusion
that has dominated our lives, we begin to learn how to live. Many of us have
special insight not only into our lives but also into our inter-personal
relationships with others. Working the 4th Step, we find assets among what we
thought were liabilities and this affirms our sense of identity. No longer do we
feel that we are at the mercy of the forces that surround us. Our
self-acceptance,
as well as the freedom from the ego-induced fears,
grows as we get over our self-centeredness. Finally, we reach a point in
recovery where we are no longer limited to the scope of our personal power in
seeking direction for our lives. Something greater is caring for us. Basking in
this freedom, we find ourselves at a deeper level of acceptance about our
strengths and weaknesses. We reach out and discover many things about the world
around us. Not only are we able to come out of the closet
of our fear-induced
isolation, we are
able to go back and clean out the closet!
Everyone has a
closet.
When we become receptive to the forces
of life around us, we can give and receive more freely. We have much revealed to
us that we couldn't see or make sense of before. This is what being clean is all
about. By helping others, we get help. When we share the truths that we discover
with others, we increase our understanding as well as opening new doors for
ourselves. Our sharing goes far beyond simple conversation. We demonstrate our
love for one another and teach others that ask for help what we have learned.
We measure
intimacy between people in terms of trust and shared experiences. A test of our
motives and honesty is whether we act the same towards
or treat a person the same as we would our same-sex best friend in a similar
opportunity. Respect for others' feelings and privacy is the building block of
having successful, intimate relationships. In recovery, we learn that intimate
relationships are possible for us no matter the gender of the other person.
Intimacy is a �fact of life� and we will face it during our recovery. We
emphasize that if we
are sincere in your desire and put our recovery first,
chances are that we
will come through the tension and strain of any
relationship, clean. It's when we put other things first that we seem to get in the most trouble. Our
disease can make it seem as if a person, place,
or thing got
us loaded yet we all know that's a lie. We must take care not to drift into this
justification mode lest we are sucked under and drown in the whirlpool of
addiction. The presence of our desire for recovery makes us members of this
Fellowship from the first moment that we commit to living the NA way of life. We
cease to be members when we lose this desire, no matter whether we use or not.
Some of our members have experienced a non-chemical relapse and have awakened
the next day feeling like they had a physical hangover. Spiritual relapse is
sometimes our last warning that something is terribly wrong with the way we are
working the Program. It can be a strong motivator for us to renew our commitment
to recovery.
One of the
benefits that comes from going to many meetings.
is that we learn not to practice our natural yet diseased ability to label the
people, places, and things in our daily lives. Part of the damage done through
active addiction is that we forget what everyday life is like and that everyone
else feels the same things that we do. We spend a lot of time over-reacting or
under-reacting to situations that need a response from us. It takes time to get
it right. It is hard to overcome the social conditioning that we get from the
wide range of advice-sellers and professional advice-givers. In the end, we
realize that it's our responsibility to live our lives. We cannot blame our
problems on others once we begin to take personal responsibility for our lives.
Many of us struggle with obsessive thoughts of continuing to blame others and we
can easily alienate ourselves as part of our addiction's general isolation.
It is a
clearly recognizable part of our disability to respond
without thinking. For
instance, many of us do not even know what it means to
date or have a casual relationship. In
a similar fashion, many of us do not know what it is like to
depend on others without being constantly let down. Much of recovery is
discovery - and it is this inquisitive attitude that enables us to do things
differently in order to experience the variations that life offers. Some of us
had the �couples� mentality so deeply instilled in us that having friends
without sex was impossible. With a �couples� mentality
we view every encounter as a potential marriage or relationship. We have to
approach other people carefully to actually understand and experience what the other
person is saying or doing. We find life between estrangement and total intimacy.
So much of our lives are lived in the fear of the recurrence of past pain. We
spend so much time with our guard up that we can't see what's happening today!
We carry our pasts into our present and our childhood is with us forever.
Society as a
whole is like the ocean,
with all kinds of life in it. We seek to feel that we have a protected place for
our recovery. We do not knowingly swim with sharks or unquestionably accept
everything just because it comes from the greater culture. We share with one
another the freedom to determine what our way of life will be from day to day.
If we did not stress this freedom, we would be ignoring the sensitivities that
our members have because of painful experiences from their active addiction. It
is safe to say that we suffer from a family disease. Some of the abuse we
survived and learned as children will continue to make us overly sensitive
today. Addicts who were victimized may feel more alarm than necessary, until
they get used to their new state of existence in recovery. Others who were
taught to hide their emotions suffer in many of the same ways. Those of us
reared in dictatorial households have a similar problem as to
those who
automatically feel inferior to others. It is difficult to recognize the similarities
because it is so easy to see the differences. In general, we regard
everything that happens in recovery as something we need to know about. Usually,
we need more than one response to the situations that arise during the process
of recovery. Social standards may or may not have a place in this and that is
for each of us to determine. This is not to say that we act crazily or wildly.
Most of us are rather calm in recovery except in situations that can arouse
great pain or fear in us. Recovery helps us settle down to living life on life's
terms but we must constantly move towards this goal.
Most of our
members seek sponsors of the same sex. They feel that this allows them to have a
sponsor who identifies with them as a man or as a woman without the necessity
for explanations that might arise between men and women. Reflecting on the great
variety of our members, there are those who have to find a person who suits them
regardless of what others may think. Sincerity speaks for itself in spite of the
fact that our members sometimes live beyond established norms.
An addict
shared: "I was so eager and anxious to learn new things to do when I first
got clean. I had the impatience that newcomers seem especially susceptible to
catching. I began to see all the things wrong and wanted to fix them all
immediately. Only one other female went to NA meetings in my hometown so I asked
her to be my sponsor. She agreed and when I asked her what to do first and was
told to get material other than NA, I quickly thanked her and told her,
"Thanks." I
went into a depression because I felt like all the
hope that I found in the rooms was lost.
"Thank
you God
for the men and women in recovery who only care whether another addict stays
clean or not. I've had five sponsors, two males and three females. I learned
valuable lessons from each,
and each will forever occupy that special place in my heart. I used to hear
others share about meeting the first person with whom they could so closely
identify. The most shocking revelation is that I'm a middle-aged grandmother and
my �mirror-image� has turned out to be a twenty-year old �gentleman.� He
is wonderful and it's most amazing that everything he says is �me.�
"These
are the gifts that my Higher Power gives me, every day that I choose to stay
clean and try to live the NA way of life. Early recovery takes place in the
midst of pain and confusion. We need to find a balance between what we hear that
makes sense to us and what feels right. If it feels right but makes no sense and
doesn't work, we can make changes to get better results. If something seems to
make sense yet fails to satisfy our need for a spiritual feeling, we will
eventually abandon those efforts that conflict with our internal guidance
systems. As we begin to accept others into our lives, we try to respect their
feelings and living requirements. We do this even if their way of moving towards
recovery is different from ours."
We do not
apologize for our openness. It plays a big part in our common welfare. Gender
confusion is a reality of the world in which we live. Some of us need to learn
how the opposite sex works in order to learn that they are not so different.
This is how we begin to identify with persons of that gender. Many of our
members suffer confusion about gender issues. We must learn not to isolate from
another addict simply because of their gender.
It is a good
thing that we look at our similarities and not the things that would separate or
divide us. The idea is to encourage each other to be whole,
healthy human being. We can be gentle and loving while being strong and
assertive. In other words, we can all be human and express our emotions in a way
that matches our true personalities and meets the situation or demands of the
moment. We want our Fellowship to be a safe environment and not another place
with severe social pressures and punishments for non-conforming offenders.
We will
experience many types of relationships. Our relationships are usually one
of two types, and give us the
opportunity to ask questions and experience different types and degrees of
closeness. Small �r� relationships include friends in our home groups, our
local Fellowship, our sponsor, family and co-workers. We enjoy giving special
attention and support without reservation or expectations to the special people
in our lives. Large �R� relationships are the exclusive loving of a specific
individual where the sharing of life becomes a commitment to the other person.
These relationships affect our health, our finances and our overall well-being. Coming
from dysfunctional family situations, we may have to learn these lessons by
study or counseling. Your meaningful relationship is at risk if you assume you
know what you are doing! If the other person has family or financial obligations, these become ours as
well. We need to
know a person's background if we are contemplating a serious relationship.
If the other person has health problems, we accept them as our own. In
today's world, that means STD and HIV along with others are possible even if the
the other person doesn't know it!. "When is the last time you had a
physical?" is a nice way to start....
What
we do becomes the proper business of the other. It is hard for the freedom of
spirit and action to survive the demands placed on individuals by the demands of
a �Relationship� in early recovery. First things first. We aren't moralizing
because we know how hard our emotions can be on us,
and we have to protect our fragile desire to live better lives against the
intense battering of these emotional issues. When we do get in a relationship,
there is a dance going on between our desire for recovery and our desire to get
lost in the love of the other person.
"Viva le
difference!"
say the French and we agree with them. It is our similarities that give us
things in common, but it is our differences that make it interesting.
The physical differences between men and women are a fact of
biology. They can also hinder us in developing close relations or friendships
with members of the opposite sex. Some suffer with the confusion of determining
their sexual preferences as well as the inability to trust neither male nor
female. Those unaccustomed to these differences need to spend a little extra
time with their sponsor or friends of the opposite sex to gain information they
may not have learned from their families as children or
growing up. People with our disorder
are entirely capable of the most glaring deficiencies when it comes to basic
information. We
develop a questioning mind, keep it open, feed it new ideas, and
watch it grow. We can compare ourselves out of having close associations with
other people regardless of their gender, and we can disqualify ourselves by selecting and obsessing on the
points of conflict and differences. While we may never resolve all of our
issues, we can still enjoy members of the opposite sex. The growth that we gain
in dealing with other human beings is phenomenal.
[7.19.08]
persons have visited this page since July 5, 2008
Reprinted from the
N.A. FELLOWSHIP USE ONLY
Copyright � December 1998
Victor Hugo Sewell, Jr.
NA Foundation Group
6685 Bobby John Road Atlanta, GA 30349 USA
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