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Mirroring Feelings
What mirroring feelings means to a parent is that I see a person is angry and I say to them (if they are my child or a safe person in my life), �I see that you are angry. Would you like to talk about it?� Taking time with our sons and daughters is one of the blessing of recovery. This was especially helpful when my children were going through something. I would say to one of my sons, �I see that you are frustrated� And this helped them put a word to what they were feeling, so that they would understand, identify and possibly verbalize it for them selves as they grew older. Also, I would say �Would you like Daddy to hold you while you are frustrated?� And they would inevitably say yes, and this taught them that these feelings can be processed and contained safely with a safe person. Sometimes, I would make them sad by hurting their feelings through some sort of correction, and I would still say �I see that you are sad, and I am sorry that I hurt your feelings. Would you like me to hold you while you are sad?� And, most often they would still seek the safety of my arms, process their feelings, and move on. Often, my oldest boy would act out through one inappropriate behavior or another, and I knew from my own past, that he just needed my attention, so I would say �So, you are behaving inappropriately. Do you need my attention? Would you like me to hold you or talk to you?� And, nine times out of ten, he would just be trying to get my attention, and what he learned was not just that he could get my attention, but that I knew what he was doing, and he could just ask for me rather than act out in the future.
Mirroring feelings is having empathy. I cannot identify what I do not recognize;
therefore, I would intuitively know what he was feeling and would help him
identify it, which is exercising empathy. The feeling is understood, and, all
behavior aside, is accepted and affirmed and therein lies compassion.
So, to mirror feelings for another, or to have empathy for another, I
must exercise patience, tolerance, acceptance, discernment, understanding,
compassion and even forgiveness, all under the umbrella of love. Love is an
action: "Lots Of Voluntary Effort." Program love isn't easy, but it is
priceless. Contrast all this to the smack
up side the head I got when I acted out!
- From George P. - June 30, 2008
Foster
Parenting
Parenting as an addict is an exercise in compromise, growth and fear.
Foster parenting the children of addicts is often like being on a trampoline
that has barbed wire covered with electric fence wiring, and you feel like
everyone is watching and laughing.
As an addict in recovery, foster parenting, every day, is an act
of blind faith. You must believe that if you try to control the system you work
with, the child in your home who is acting out on what was learned while living
with an active addict, if you try to control the recovery of the parent who lost
the child you are caring for, your life will become unmanageable. Since I am
unable to control it, I must believe that my Higher Power, who I choose to call
Creator, will watch our for those children until they can find a Higher Power of
their own. I must make a decision, daily, to turn my will and my life, and their
will and life, over to the power greater than us all, and trust that blind faith
will prevail.
I am an addict, my name is Gail G. and at this writing I have just
over 20 years clean and have been a foster parent to 57 children over the past
five years. I can not think of a single child who I have live with me that did
not come from, directly or indirectly, a family like we came from. From the
youngest to the oldest, they showed their addictive behaviors, their people
pleasing skills, their ability to manipulate every situation, their need for
creative venues in order to survive, and their elasticity in showing that they
could take a beating, often not just figuratively, and bounce back. Once again
proving that addicts are strong, versatile and hard to kill or keep down.
As a foster parent, I am dealing with the system (Child Protection
Service and the Courts), the children, their doctors and therapists, their
psychiatrists and support councilors, their teachers and mentors, their
biological parents, previous and future foster parents, and their past, present
and future. And all this, without directions.
If I could convey any message I wanted to the biological addict
parent who lost their child along the way, it would be this. While you may never
be able to atone for what was done, or not done, in some cases, while you can
never have a magic �do over,� while it may be the hardest items you put down
on your forth and eighth Steps, you will eventually forgive yourself. I tell my
kids that their parents are addicts; they suffer from the disease of addiction
for which there is no know cure. It can however, be arrested at some point and
there is always hope that the parent will find love, surrender and guidance in
the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous.
I have never been a biological parent; a situation I blamed God for
quite often. When I found a loving power greater than myself, Creator, I came to
believe that just as I lived through my addiction to help another addict, I had
not had children of my own so I could be there to help the kids caught in the
cross fire � yours. From teaching these kids daily grooming and hygiene
habits, to homework, dating, nightmares and bathroom accidents, I have loved
each and every one, each and every step. And with each, I plant a seed � a
seed of love, hope, nourishment, cherishment, delight, wonder, self-esteem,
hope, a future and the possibility of life without drugs.
I plant these seeds, and I water them with hugs and kisses. I
nourish them with action, with direction, with purpose. And I never see them
bloom. On the rare occasions , I see them take root, start to grow and then the
child moves on. I am often blessed with having that adult child contact me
again, once the system is not controlling Life, and that child contacts me, and
I see that my seed did sprout, into a beautiful and wonderful adult.
But I must express, while I have the voice and the audience, that
this is truly the hardest job I have ever undertaken in my life, either when
using or clean. To love someone so unconditionally, to open my heart so
completely, to welcome and crave the unconditional love from that child, is
truly a gift from Creator. As is
the pain that comes when it feels my heart is being ripped from my chest with
each and every child that leaves. I act brave, and say all the right things for
the system. I use the Steps, and I am direct and honest, except when to do so
will injure them or others, and so I say what must be said and what I hope, in
blind faith, will come to be true, and I let that spirit and little body go,
back to the system. Then I wonder, once again, why I open myself up for this
heart wrenching, gut twisting, soul crushing pain.
And then I see the smile in my mind�s eye, I feel the little
hand holding mine, I remember the warmth of a good night embrace and that sweet
little kiss on my cheek and I remember. I did this for the child. For the
wonderful person they will someday be. I did this for their parents, who are
trying to find recovery and who may or may not make it, I do i for my fellow
addict. Mostly, I do this for me. Balance, that is what I have been taught on my
spiritual path following Creator � balance. To know the love, I must walk
through the pain. To know the truth, I must wade through the lies. To be warmed
by the sunlight of recovery, I must remember the darkness of my disease.
I really don�t like feeling the bad parts, but I would not trade
them for anything if it meant loosing those hugs, that love and the wondrous
gift that Creator has bestowed upon me, the ability to Let Go and Let God do his
job.
Mitakuye Oyasin - All
my relations � I ask that Creator watch over you, that your children find
someone who understand recovery and will love your child, then let them go as
their path decrees. I have survived another day, I have lived today without
using, even though my heart hurts deeply right now, for I have just experienced
again that true and trusting love, and another child has left my home, but never
my heart.
Grateful to be in recovery today, a loving addict ...Gayle G. March 2006
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Copyright � December 1998
Victor Hugo Sewell, Jr.
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All rights reserved. This draft may be copied by members of Narcotics Anonymous for the purpose of writing input for future drafts, enhancing the recovery of NA members and for the general welfare of the Narcotics Anonymous Fellowship as a whole. The use of an individual name is simply a registration requirement of the Library of Congress and not a departure from the spirit or letter of the Pledge, Preface or Introduction of this book. Any reproduction by individuals or organizations outside the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous is prohibited. Any reproduction of this document for personal or corporate monetary gain is prohibited.