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When It Works: 12 Basics
Twelve Principles of NA
PRINCIPLE EIGHT - TOLERANCE
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Our Middletown, Connecticut NAWOL group is honored to be part of the
process. We have no expectations
other than staying in the process and possibly helping other addicts.
"Tolerance is knowing the other person has the
same spirit in them
and
being curious about what that spirit is trying to do."
It
is one thing to say you care about someone; it is another to sit down and take
the time to listen carefully.
Saying you care about someone is easy. Taking
the time to listen carefully is altogether more difficult. If
they are someone is upsetting you or
causing problems, it listening
is much more difficult. Listening with an open heart
and mind is a powerful tool for helping. Imagining that
we are writing down what a person is saying is one way to actually hear their
voice. Instead of placing expectations on what people are saying, we place love
in our heart when we are listening.
We remember caring NA
members listening to our problems when we started sharing at meetings. For
some, they are being heard for the first time in their life. It�s
overwhelming how much love silence can bring. An amazing number of people know
what their answers are; they just don't have anyone who cares. This lack of
attention and caring has been recognized as a killer of small children who are
overlooked in orphanages. Their death is
expressed this way, "They fail to thrive." can
be described as a �failure to thrive.� It may be that they know they
are not cared for. Being social creatures, our need for caring is biological. We
need a simple touch or a human contact.
Spiritual growth cancels
out the negative in us and fills us with the positive. Many addicts develop
aversions that keep others at a distance. We want to be left alone, though we
are lonely. When we begin to feel more secure about ourselves, our fear of
others is lessened. It takes time to develop calm. We can withstand bad behavior
in others without being drawn into their circle. We lose the fear of being like
them. A bad idea is just a bad idea, not a total threat to our existence.
Standing apart from our old ways,
literally as well as metaphorically, we can look at the world and other
people in a more open and honest manner. Very often, we will find our missing
parts lying on the ground around our feet. We couldn't find them because we
never slowed down enough to take a close look. When we are in a bad place
ourselves, our pain makes us over-react to bad behavior in others.
In recovery we are
constantly developing on different levels. Our ability to tolerate others when
they are disagreeable is part of coming out of isolation. We learn part of this
by developing a tolerance for our own inadequacies. In NA, we find the people
who can share their pain and growth. We also find a lot of people who are going
through almost exactly the same things we are at any given time. All we have to
do is get to enough meetings and share honestly the nature of our pain. Someone
may come up to us after a meeting or over coffee and check out what we meant
when we were sharing in the meeting. By exploring the reality of others, we gain
something in our own reality.
Tolerance, as a spiritual
principle, does not force or require us to put up with negativity.
wrong doing or a dangerous, criminal or really insulting person. It
simply frees us to decide what we want for ourselves. We are finally free to
act, not react. Often, tolerance seems like it would limit us
or habituate
us to merely
not reacting to bad behavior in others. Not over-reacting is spiritual
tolerance. It means we have more say over our lives and how we live.
Some of our personal
wrongdoing may consist of using others without their consent or knowledge for
selfish gain. Our Fellowship is a great churning mass of such problems. It is
probably one reason why NA works for us so well. It gives us a chance to see
ourselves and the games we play in others. A real paradox is met head on when we
attempt to be useful without being used.
In
service, where all of our principles have application, wrongdoing consists of
setting up elections, falsifying minutes, presenting misleading documents,
biasing reports, especially on matters dealing with group conscience, stealing
or misapplying funds, and any other actions that would betray or dispirit those
who entrust us to serve them.
Where we see
these things people doing wrong, we
should act as if we are helping difficult children who, while we may love them
dearly, are capable of great mischief. The loving spirit often provides us with
interesting alternatives in response to actual, verified wrong doing. We don�t
savage them, we find ways to help. Tolerance is not just being passive though it
is the principle that frees us from acting badly just because someone else is.
The time we gain by this can be spent working towards real lasting solutions.
Our principle of tolerance
helps us make sure what we perceive is actually happening. Power is the ability
to define reality. Toxic reactions turn to principled actions when we
begin to live the principles we�re writing about in the twelve steps. If
a real disorder is involved, others will see it also. We never have to be alone
in NA. Most all problems are repeat performances of past events with new names
and faces involved. As a Fellowship, we have withstood such an array of sabotage
and disorder that in truth we have little to fear. As individuals, we avoid
traps that may threaten or sour our recovery by praying, consulting other
members and then acting on faith to help make things better.
Our tolerance level may be
too great in some areas. It is well important
to remember our past and seek positive action than to drift into not caring. We
care enough about each other to tell them the truth. Being honest is not
intolerance. If you find yourself feeling defeated or alone, it
helps to reach out to someone for help. You cut a fear in half when you
share it with just one other person. If we politely let someone know how we
feel, it may help them him.
They He
may be carrying on habits from active addiction without realizing how offensive
they are.
Our explosive growth has
given us the ability to work on tolerating others. As the density of our
meetings increases in any given area, 12
Step recovery in Narcotics Anonymous
is shared out from by
those who have it to with
those who need it. Service becomes
increasingly complex and sensitive. Members must find ways to remain anonymous
yet play key roles. This can be problematic if you haven't worked your Third
Step and are still trying to call all the shots in your life. There will be
problems as long as you see yourself as the doer and not your Higher Power.
Manipulation of others to achieve our ends is invasive and dishonest. It
is the way we were when we were in active addiction. There was a time, not long
ago, when NA as a whole, was glad to have just one more meeting in a whole state
and just one more member in regular attendance. You can tolerate someone you
care about and treasure. Tolerance is natural when you feel you need someone or
their recovery is important to you. When we are stronger in numbers, we may get
weaker in tolerance. This is where individuals can play a big helpful role.
Learning how simply caring and paying attention worked to expand NA from a few
scattered meetings to a world wide Fellowship is a lesson for us all.
Almost no one had long clean time in the early 1980's yet NA grew as never
before.
Today, in N.A., we have so
many people, so many ideas and varieties of experience that it can seem
overwhelming! Even with the commonality of our desire for recovery, we have need
of tolerance just to watch it all go by. But we never outgrow our need for the
basics of recovery and our need tolerate ourselves until we can do better. Even
if we never get any better, tolerance can help us accept our limitations. When
we do this, our tolerance for others increases.
[7.25.08]
persons have visited this site since July 25, 2008
Reprinted from the
N.A. FELLOWSHIP USE ONLY
Copyright � December 1998
Victor Hugo Sewell, Jr.
NA Foundation Group
6685 Bobby John Road Atlanta, GA 30349 USA
404.312.5166
[email protected]
All rights reserved. This draft may be copied by members of Narcotics Anonymous for the purpose of writing input for future drafts, enhancing the recovery of NA members and for the general welfare of the Narcotics Anonymous Fellowship as a whole. The use of an individual name is simply a registration requirement of the Library of Congress and not a departure from the spirit or letter of the Pledge, Preface or Introduction of this book. Any reproduction by individuals or organizations outside the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous is prohibited. Any reproduction of this document for personal or corporate monetary gain is prohibited.