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From: [email protected]
Category: Category 1
Date: 24 Jun 1999
Time: 14:15:33
Remote Name: ip135.atlanta15.ga.pub-ip.psi.net
One of the reliable ways we see people grow to a point of conflict, especially in a program based on personal experience, is when an argument breaks out over spiritual principles. I don't mean a casual disagreement. I mean a knock-down, drag out fight with everybody picking sides, making accusations and justifying their actions for the sake of the poor 'addict seeking recovery.' I am not belittling these problems, I want to see the topic dragged out into the open, staked down in full view and discussed in whatever detail is required to begin to give our people an advantage in these types of problems. Because it is not going away and we have to get better at it to go on as a Fellowship.
Perhaps for both sides, but surely for one side, the argument is really based in spiritual principles and NA recovery experience. For the other side, there seems to be something about control at stake. "You can't tell me what to do!" is the feeling. The break up of a love affair, service politics, almost anything can be the focus. In a way, it is just the healthy course of action for a group where a dominant portion of the group had never processed the problem before. Again, this is proper and to be expected in a body of people gathered together by their need for personal growth and personality change. Let's call them side A and side B. Side A says something is so and may even go into some detail to make sure B knows that the A position is based in loving, spiritual principles and not just masking a personal judgement in a disguise designed to give them an edge. Side B is first confused by the arguments that come from a 'recovery place' alongside the disappointment of 1) not getting our way, 2) the suspicion that someone is putting something over on us, 3) the feeling of being betrayed which after all might be possible. And in most cases, the feelings and emotions push this last factor from "possible" to "certain."
When side A realized that the original problem is going to be compounded, they 1) look for additional ways to explain the logic of their position and 2) recall other times this has happened and have the "oh no, not again" feeling.
So, the horns are locked and the "battle of wills" begins. Given the diversity of talents and flaws among our membership, some amazing good things can happen and some amazing bad things. Sometimes, the people just talk it out and reach agreement. Frequently, time must pass before B can see the sense of what A is saying. Just for some clarity, let's say A is the correct viewpoint. Remember, discussing the topic in terms of context, we don't have to bother with content. It doesn't matter what the particular subject of conflict or disagreement is. We are discussing problem solving here, as a subject in it's own right!
Sometimes, A may be right about the basic issue but by dealing harshly with B, compound and enlarge the original problem into a personality struggle or a matter of injured feelings. Sometimes B makes the mistake of assuming their worst fears are true and that they are totally justified in aggressively opposing A. Any attempt to put the issue into terms of "principles" or "recovery" are taken as additional signs of the depth of betrayal by B. A, sooner or later, has to back off, even though they are 'right.' They have to give B time to think about it.
Sometimes there is never a resolution. Both parties and groups of parties continue to disagree until the losers stop going to meetings or get loaded. Sometimes, the personal struggles get so bad, someone is killed by the disease or dies of overdose. Sometimes, the death of a beloved member is strong enough to make people think about what is important and sometimes even that is not enough.
The people who survive all this are called members of Narcotics Anonymous. They are around. The honor and support the Twelve Traditions. They travel, discuss and learn all they can about NA. They are constantly learning new things in areas that seemed closed topics of learning. They develop abilities of patience, tolerance and humility. They keep coming back. They carry our message. They get good at helping others and prove they really care by continuing to be here and doing what needs to be done. They lose their obsession with being right and are happy just to be. They realize that there is always plenty to learn and that no subject is ever totally understood. They are able to keep their air of reverence and compassion because that is how they honestly feel as a result of their personal experience with pain and the miracle of recovery.
We are all a mix of A and B. We are all right in ways and wrong is ways. This it the reason it is important that we stay together so we can get the benefit. For sure we will get the pain. The pain of error is part of what the drugs steal from us. We need to lose our fear of error and being at fault. Certainly, in the war zone, fear is justified and sensible. But now we have our community. It is worldwide already and growing inwardly from there.