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From: [email protected]
Category: Category 1
Date: 04 Aug 1999
Time: 15:23:24
Remote Name: ip1.atlanta15.ga.pub-ip.psi.net
Who am I?
There have come many times when I have asked myself those sincere questions of who am I and what am I going to be. These are so serious and fearsome times because fate itself seems to balance on what I think is my definition of myself. Not only does this stifle, but this fear and my perceived absolution of my choices begins and continues to plague me in all do. In recovery I have evaluated and re-evaluated my position and purpose in life a dazzling number of times. Through institutions of higher thinking and differing institutions of spirituality I momentarily answered these questions and fulfilled the urgency of the questions of who and what I am. These answers only proved to be quite temporal, momentary in fact. To my own bewilderment this dilemma would reoccur numerous times. What is most important to understand is that I asked the wrong questions. I thought that a definition and category of myself would provide me with the stability I craved in recovery. Even while using these definitions plagued me, if I were this or that then somehow I would become successful or acceptable. What I had missed altogether was that which would quell this need I misperceived. The questions I have learned to ask is not "what am I" or "who am I," but rather "how am I." I am many things today, but have only become them through the vigilance the program of Narcotics Anonymous teaches me. Constant guard assures me of "who" and "what" I am. For example, I am a grateful person. Who am I? Grateful, right? But gratitude doesn't come from the label of "the grateful recovering addict," rather it comes from the practice of being grateful, the how of being grateful. The oldtimers used to say "fake it 'til ya make it!" How do I become grateful? I find out what grateful people do and do it myself. I find a grateful person and ask how they became that way and follow that example. I write gratitude lists, I pray, I embrace those things for which I have and speak of them to others and do these things until I believe them myself. Then I am grateful. This strategy of mimicry works in all areas of recovery and life itself. To serve this on a broader scale: what am I? I am a musician. What do musicians do? Musicians play music. If I do not play music I am not much of a musician. If I do not practice the music I play then I may not excel in my musicianship. Again: I am a father. If I do not participate in the activities of fatherhood (clearly I mean besides for the act of insemination), then I am not much of a father and I cannot lay claim to the good things which this "being a father" has to offer. So what do I do? I find out what good fathers do and do it myself. It is in this state of being where my definitions lie. Who and what I am are answered for me when I do the "how." This principle along with the consistent effort of "how I am being" makes me who and what I am. This daily effort combats the fear I face in discovering the joys of who and what I am. My daily investment of practicing spiritual principles insures success in all I do, whether it is concerning recovery, work, family, or anything else. The "how I am being" keeps me centered in the moment, and by doing this I am not bogged down by the weight of the choices of just "what and who I am." Ultimately, the success of being outweighs the fear of trying, or the fear of success/failure simply by proving itself. I spent too much time being to be concerned about success or failure. The further I come in every effort I make the stronger the proof alone shows me not to fear.