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From: Steve S - Dalton Ga
Category: Category 1
Date: 24 Apr 1999
Time: 13:13:13
Remote Name: atl2-wc1.atlas.digex.net
I was a father, an employee, a son - all the things we are before I found recovery. Not knowing I was an addict kept me from fullfilling any of the roles in my life. I could never get the benefits or the full benefits. The disease of addiction would eat up my pay check. The disease of addiction would take time from my family. The disease of addiction would take time from my doing my job well enough to get ahead. So it is not like I got these things back when I got clean, I always had them but I just couldn't fulfill my obligations and responsibilities in these roles which made them a burden and not an asset.
Never reached full potential - didn't get the rewards because addiction kept me back. And the reason it had control of me was because I didn't know it was there.
Once I recognized I had the disease of addiction, and surrendered to the NA program, then I was free to enjoy the full benefits of all these other roles in my life. The important part is to always remember that I have this disease and that I will never be normal in the sense that I can casually use drugs, participate in certain activities or spend time with using addicts. If I visit a business associate or client, I cannot accept a glass of wine.
Anonymity is at the root of functioning in society. I do not go to work and introduce myself as an addict to clients. When my children visit, they do not come to vist their father, the "addict". When I visit my parents, I don't do so with the intentions of sharing about my disease with them. I remain anonymous in everyday situations. I try to fit in with those around me. However, I must always keep in the front of my mind that this disease once active, will take control of my life and eliminate all other roles.
Newcomers to NA need to know what to tell people about themselves and what not to tell. Do they tell the people at work about their being an addict? We ask ourselves, "Why would I tell my employer that I am an addict? Am I seeking special attention and treatment at work?" Do I want to be regarded as a worker or as an addict? In most jobs, the employers concern is whether or not I can function in the responsibilities and duties of that job. In revealing myself as a recoverying addict, may sometimes put me in a class or stereotype that has nothing to do with my capabilities as an employee. For example, if I am running a cash register at a grocery store and the register comes up a few dollars short at the end of the day through normal errors, if my employer knows that I'm an addict in recovery, their first thought may be that I have stolen the money for drugs. They may question whether or not I am using drugs which may have caused this mistake rather than simply accepting that I made a mistake like any other employee. By revealing my addiction, I open myself up to scrutiny to others that is sometimes unfair to me as a person. And it is unnecessay when the role I am fullfilling has no relationship to me as an addict.
What do they tell their familes? Most families will know that we are in recovery. Parents tend to believe that they are responsible for who of what we are today as a result of the upbringing they gave us. In other words, many think that if we are an addict, it must be from some error in their parenting ability. To discuss these matters with our parents can sometimes seem to them as a 'finger pointing' or blaming type of discussion. They will become defensive and will not want to accept that we have a disease. Our disease seems to trigger some type of guilt in our families unless they are in the rooms practicing recovery themselves. When I'm around my family, I need to keep my views and my disease a seperate issue from family matters.
What do they tell their friends? Friends and associates from the past or present who are not involved in the program may not understand the disease concept. Most are not our friends because they are in support of our recovery. They are our friends because of other areas of our life that we have in common. To discuss our disease and our problems with others outside the fellowship may only serve to confuse our relationship with these people. Many will view what they consider to be addiction as some type of moral deficiency which will change their view of us as individuals. Only in the closest of relationships will I ever be able to approach this type of subject. And even then, I need to prepare myself for subtle changes in that relationship as a result of giving this person this information.
Steve S.