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From: [email protected]
Category: Category 1
Date: 11 May 1999
Time: 17:27:10
Remote Name: ip142.atlanta14.ga.pub-ip.psi.net
The thrilling part’s at a convention, uh when you finally, something clicks. You’re going, "Oh WOW now I understand that!" Or at someone’s house, becoming a part of someone’s life. Those are the thrills of Narcotics Anonymous.You know, NA to me is not about an hour, an hour and a half in the evening. An hour, an hour and a half in the evening are fine, but NA’s so much more than that. It’s a way of living. You either live this way or you don’t live this way- it’s ok if you don’t. It’s ok if you don’t.
Ah, I’ve had to give people permission to reject this way of life. Because, uh, you know the reality is that some do, and it hurts when you care a lot about ‘em. We’re not in recovery in isolation, we affect each other’s lives. And when someone you’ve cared about, and you’ve spent time with, and you’ve invested your spirit with, goes out, it hurts. I can remember saying um, God, -please don’t let me love another addict, cause it hurts too bad when they leave. And you know what- that isn’t the answer either. That was too much like the death I had using, not being able to care about anybody. At three years I found myself in a situation where uh it seemed like all the things I’d used to try to fix myself quit working, substitution quit working. And uh, I was in trouble, and I had to dive into the program on a new level.
At four and a half years it seemed like the program quit working. The things you taught me about NA, um the gimmicks; the write the inventory, the call your sponsors, the work with your newcomer, all those things seemed to quit working. And I had to get right with my Higher Power, I had to come out with a new relationship with God. I had to turn my recovery over to the care of God as I understood him. I couldn’t just turn the symptoms over. I had to turn the real deal over. I had to work the third step for the first time. For real. My understanding of the steps has changed over time.
You know like I told you about the first step, I originally thought that meant, that that you know that I admit that I am powerless over heroin, that it had screwed up my life- that was obvious. But um I’ve come to believe in this three fold disease. Perhaps the most change has come in the second step. Particularly in the last few years. We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. And I thought originally that meant I’d come to believe that God could fix me. You know maybe God can fix me. But I don’t think that’s what the step says. I had to look at this idea sanity and what did that really mean. And I went back to the simple stuff- a person who is sane is a person who is in touch with reality. A person who is insane is someone who is out of touch with reality. And what’s reality, ultimately reality is God- the universe, all things.
So, my second step changed to where I come to believe that a process- these twelve steps- can put me back in touch with reality, can restore my spirituality, and restore my relationship with God. And that’s really changed all the rest of the steps. I used to think the third step was about making a commitment, and saying the words- they had a third step prayer I used to repeat. It was a really good prayer.
Um today, my third step is about trying to live life, as if I really believed there was a loving God trying to take care of me. I mean, what if there really was!? What if there really is someone taking care of you? And it’s ok to risk living. What if there really is a loving god out there working for you and you don’t have to try to control all this shit? And you don’t have to try to make the unmanageable turn out the way you want it. What if?? It’d be a different world, wouldn’t it? I know it’s been a different world for me when I can believe that.
The fourth step, instead of being show and tell you know, has been a matter of really taking a look at who I am, and seeing the ways that I’ve separated myself from God. You see and those things that I’ve done throughout my recovery that keep me from growing spiritually- the patterns I’ve fallen into, the mistakes I’ve made, and even some of the successes, which have kept me from surrendering. You see if you give me a quarter inch of success, I’ll ride it for a mile and a half. I try one thing, and it turns out OK, I’m going to try it a hundred times, just to try to make it come out OK again. Except I forget the first time it turned out OK it wasn’t because of my doing, it was God’s doing. I forget that. So my fourth step has become an exploration of me, and how I relate to God. It’s become a lot about humility. You know we talk a lot about humility in the later steps, but there’s a lot of humility in the fourth step, knowing who and what you really are. Only by knowing my patterns can I avoid them.
In the fifth step, to me it’s become a time when I can gain some clarity about that. Get someone sitting down with me who doesn’t have a big interest in who I am. You see, I am incapable of being objective about myself. Everything I think about me is tied up in my hopes, my prayers, my fears, my shit, my issues, my past, my present, my dreams, and you know, I’ll tweak anything. Lois brought home a thing one time from a meeting saying “we’re the kind of people who from a single tree can create a mighty forest in which we immediately get lost.” It’s True! That’s the kind of stuff I need a sponsor for. He can say “hey dummy this is just a tree!” This ain’t the world!Who is not prejudiced about Greg. Who can see me objectively and say “hey- this pattern here- don’t you see this?” and I go “no..” And uh, that’s what my fifth step has turned into. Getting some perspective on what I learned in the fourth step. Getting some unprejudiced, outside opinion about what’s going on.. what’s really going on in my life.
The sixth step; becoming entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character, to me is about getting ready. It’s about learning about those defects, and taking the step I learned about in the fourth and fifth step, and really taking a look at it. Why is this a defect? What does this mean? What is it all about? It’s about learning more about humility and it’s also about preparing to do the seventh step. One of the things that has been very.. become a big favorite of mine in the sixth step when I’m working with someone is asking the person I’m working with is to write their own personal individual unique seventh step prayer. And something that means what they really want it to mean.
And in the seventh step going and following it through, and taking a look at the effect of it on their lives. Writing a journal. I’m a big believer in writing, although I don’t think writing’s the only way. Writing a journal about how this step is working in your life; how this prayer, this seventh step prayer, that you’ve begun to use daily, is working in your life.The amends have changed dramatically for me. Um, but before I talk about those, you know, our defects and shortcomings, I used to think of those things as like symptoms and things like that, but I think back to that, what I found in my fourth step. Those have to do more with the things that separate me from God. My defects and shortcomings are those things, which separate me from God, which separate me from sanity, which keep me sick.
And the eight and ninth step are the primary way, other than humbly asking God to remove those things that I can contribute to change. I make a list of how I have separated myself from God. All those things I used to stay off track, ‘cause I was afraid of me. All the things I’ve used that have kept me from growing spiritually. And I take a look at ‘em. And I plan how I can amend that. What can I do about this? You know the ninth step says “ we made direct amends whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.” There’s a couple things off the top that for me, I’ve learned about that step.Number one is I’m not others. I’m not one of these members that says, ”well you don’t do nothing that could place you in jeopardy as part of your ninth step. That’s not what the ninth step is about to me. It’s not about placing anyone in jeopardy. It’s about trying to amend and restore where I’ve gone off track spiritually. And um, the second thing I’ve learned about the ninth step, I feel real strongly about is uh, you make amends. If possible you make direct amends. If not possible, you still make amends. You just can’t do it directly. I myself have used this idea well I haven’t had the opportunity to make direct amends so I must not need to do anything about it this year or next to avoid some of the things I had to do. You know I think we make amends, and to me, the process of making amends is to take positive action to put myself back in spiritual balance. Take positive action to restore my spirituality. Taking positive action to try to see how I’ve gotten off track, and bring myself back on track.
Uh, the tenth step is really neat step. And the tenth step has to do with um, for me, has to do with balance in our lives. Staying on track, here in the eighth and ninth step we kinda, seven eight and nine- we’ve kinda gotten back on track. Some. Uh, through our amends, through humbly asking God to remove our shortcomings, We’ve gotten kind of back on track, and one of the ways we stay on track is through the tenth step, and that’s by keeping track of how we’re doing on those things. And I’ve learned for me, you know, checking out the day at the end of the day don’t cut it. But I have to do almost a constant monitoring to see how I’m doing throughout the day, and make adjustments. And when I head off, you know the tenth step says when we were wrong, promptly admitted it. And I, for years I thought that meant well when I do something to somebody I apologize for it. I read it in my head, and when we were wrong, promptly apologized for it. You know, today that’s so much broader. When I start heading the wrong direction, I need to come back on track. I have to admit that I’m heading off in the wrong direction, and bring my, and do what I can do to come back on track. When I fall into one of my patterns, self- destructive patterns, whether I involve someone else or not, I have to recognize that I’m headed the wrong direction. And take action to come back on track, to maintain that spiritual balance. So, for me today the tenth step is, uh, about maintaining spiritual balance.
Eleventh step, we sought through prayer and meditation to improve or conscious contact with God as we understood him, praying only for the knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out. To me, that has to do about growing spiritually, has to do about keeping ourself on track in the future. It’s about discovering what God has in store for me. Being open to God’s plan, not just my plan, and having the courage, and the power to follow that plan, not my plan. Follow up, and work the program! Work God’s program. You know, prayer and meditation are two of the important ways we do that. I’m telling you that life is all about prayer and meditation! What if everything you do is a prayer? What if every sleazy thing we did was a prayer? What if every generous thing we did was a prayer? What if every negative thing we do is a prayer? What if every positive thing we do is a prayer? That scared the shit out of me at one time. ‘cause I started looking at my life, and I wasn’t real thrilled about some of the stuff I was doing. And my prayer was not a very positive prayer. So I believe the eleventh step is about making our lives a prayer. Is your life a prayer? That you’re proud to give to God? Or is your life something you’re embarrassed about, or feel guilty.. I suspect that if you’re embarrassed about your life or feel guilty about the way you act, you need to do some changing. And that’s part of the eleventh step. We need to change the way we live, and make our lives a positive prayer. And if everything I do is a prayer, then maybe everything I think is a meditation. And I honestly believe that if I can come into a room looking for the presence of a loving God, aware that God will be speaking through whoever’s speaking, I’ll hear God’s will for me. I’ll hear what I need to hear. A lot of you guys have experienced that- gone to a meeting in a blue funk, and some newcomer said something so outrageous that it just blows you away. And they have no idea what they’re talking about, and it’s so profound. It really is! They, in that one moment of time, become a vehicle of God. And are able to say something in a way that you’re never ever been able to hear it before. And the light goes on inside you. That, you have a spiritual awakening. You know, you can experience that around here. Out of the mouths of babes.
Twelfth step. Having had a spiritual awakening, we tried to carry this message to addicts, and practice these principles in all our affairs. And uh, the bottom line of that is live this way. You want to be an NA member? Be a fuckin’ NA member. Do it right! You want to follow a spiritual path? Commit yourself with abandon. It’s the only way it works. This is not a half- ass program. Having had a spiritual awakening, a rebirth, an enlightenment. And I believe in Narcotics Anonymous, this twelve step path we’re on, is just as sure a road to enlightenment as any philosophy or religion. And does not exclude any philosophy or religion. But, having had that awakening, You know it’s kinda like when someone turns on your light, let it shine babe! Don’t cover it up! When you get en-light-ened, when you have that spiritual awakening, don’t hide it! Let it shine forth! And share with others so it can grow! So it can be nurtured. So it can shine even brighter! Carry this message to addicts. What’s the message? The message is hope. The message is spirituality. The message is all these things. And practice these principles in all our affairs. Um, that’s a big part of the message- live this way. You know, I can say all kinds of stuff about the steps. I’ve learned a lot about the steps and traditions and Narcotics Anonymous in twenty-eight years. But the message I show you through the way I live… is the real one. Kinda like don’t tell me how good you’re doing show by the way you live. How am I living? How is my life today? How’s my program today?
I’m coping with a very serious illness. Some days I do pretty good with it. Some days I don’t do very well with it. Yesterday, I sat and told Lois, I’m so tired of being sick. I was struggling with being sick. Some days my relationship with my Higher Power is strong. I have not fallen into the trap of Why Me God, thank God. I’m pretty much convinced that this is an opportunity rather than a punishment or a curse. And God has got wonderful stuff in store for me. And I’ve experienced part of that. Last weekend there were three guys over to the house. All from different parts of the country. And they had an experience. They had a number of experiences, which may have changed their lives. NA members- one from the Midwest, One from New Jersey, one from Indiana, who didn’t know each other. But were brought together for a common purpose. And they worked together, and they laughed together, and they told stories together and they shared together. And the barriers came down and they sat out in the woods, and uh, they experienced something.
My dream for a lot of years was to have a place where that could happen. And it’s happening. In spite of me. Don’t know what the future holds for me. I don’t know whether, like anybody else, I don’t know whether I’m gonna buy the farm tonight on the way home, have six months, two years, ten years, fifteen years, I don’t know. What I do know is that I have had a good life beyond my wildest dreams in Narcotics Anonymous. I have been given the great gift of having had a chance to touch some spirits. Get to know people just like you. And contribute to their recovery, and have them contribute to my recovery. And that’s what this is about. It’s about touching spirits. It’s about giving you a little bit of my glow in exchange for a little bit of your glow. And both coming out brighter in the process. It’s about… it’s about being there for each other when no ones ever been there before. It’s about learning how to love when we never knew how to love. It’s about learning how to give instead of take. It’s about all those things. And it’s a helluva trip! I have a good life. I have had a good life. I continue to have a good life. And uh, I ain’t done yet. So I thank you for asking me down, I with you.
Transcriber’s footnote: this was recorded in Winston-Salem, North Carolina in a small church, and about thirty people were present. 15 or so out of the thirty were newcomers.