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From: [email protected]
Category: Category 1
Date: 25 Oct 1999
Time: 13:37:19
Remote Name: dialup-209.246.209.20.philadelphia1.level3.net
Hello all, my name is Ken and I am a person that just wants to stop feeling like shit. I have not had a "rock bottom" nor a problem with physical addiction. When I go out, I do so because of boredom and a thousand other rationalizations that one in denial would state. Although I have not had as much as a painkiller in three weeks, I in no way consider myself "on the path". I have just returned from my third newcomer meeting (in as many days)
I am filled with a head that feels on the verge of utter thought implosion. But, today, I am clean, I have no desire to use, and the colors of fall are beautiful. Weird feeling. I actually may enjoy someone today...(myself?)
I have spent my life pointing fingers and putting down others to build myself to a "workable" status within myself. This is why I am attending NA. To change this error of ways that has gotten me nowhere except to posssibly alienate everyone in my life at one point or another.
I have not allowed myself to know love, or even spirituality, yet have preached to others about the importance of "inner spirituality". Why do I have the tools, know the path and just choose not to follow it consistently? I am going to stay active in NA for now, and hope these feelings of desire to change will keep me on the road to be a recovering addict. I am grateful for the articulate, well spoken posts here. I feel reinforced and am heading out to another meeting. I have not had a chance to speak in any of the rooms as of yet, but have felt the need to do so. So, thank you all for allowing me to vent. PLEASE feel free to contact me via email to give me words of wisdom and or support. At last I am finally willing to listen. Best of luck to all.
Ken Fenner Philadelphia, Pa