persons have visited this page since October 6, 2001
CHAPTER TWO
(Moultrie Literature
Conference - March 24, 2001)
Moreland, Georgia Edit October 2001
We know that addiction is a three-part illness. It’s physical,
mental and spiritual. There is no greater advantage to the addict seeking recovery than
learning the ‘disease concept of addiction’. This has enabled hundreds of
thousands of NA members to recover. The more that we connect our pain to our disease, the
less likely we are to allow ourselves to drift back into that pattern that precedes
relapse. We have to take care that power, credit taking, judgment of others, and
reluctance to do our part does not gain control again. Pain doesn’t cure our illness;
it makes the disease seem mysterious and superstitious. The most solemn vow, the strongest
will power or the most heart-wrenching pleas for help offer only temporary solutions. In
our experience, until an addict finds the desire to stop using there is little hope for
recovery. It is this desire that 'powers' our recovery.
We have come to understand that we suffer from a disease called addiction. This disease
tells us that we don't have a disease. The belief that this disease exists helps us get
results while denial of its existence can kill us. While we readily admitted to
powerlessness over drugs in early recovery, most of us struggled with the concept of being
powerless over our addiction. Discovering that we don't have a moral problem usually comes
as an enormous relief. Our new understanding lifts the heavy weight of shame and guilt.
Most of us thought we had a problem from which recovery was not possible. We don't know
why we have this disease nor does it matter. What matters is the solution for arresting
the progression of addiction. We may pretend that everything is all right, but this
pretense is only our denial at work. Today, we are able to stay clean and achieve ongoing
recovery. We understand from the beginning that NA does not offer a definite solution for
all problems. We are not a religious or philosophical organization. We are just addicts
who have a disease and have found a way to live clean and productive lives. Addiction
promised us a lot, gave us a little and took away everything.
Addiction creates the emptiness inside us that drives us to seek contentment in all the
wrong places. One path that some take to recover from these symptoms is to attack them one
by one as ‘the problem’. Many Twelve-Step Fellowships have sprung up over the
past 50 years using this method. We, in Narcotics Anonymous, have another choice. The
First Step says, "We admitted we were powerless over our addiction . . ." This
Step asks us to surrender our self-loathing, destructive thinking, and behaviors but then
what do we do? Upon closer examination, we have found that every harmful behavior is
because we don't love ourselves enough. We may deny this but look at what we do to
ourselves. Expressing love opens the door for us to obtain freedom from our obsessive
traits. We learn how to love by working the Steps and the Traditions. We learn to apply
the spiritual principles embodied in them into our lives. It takes time, repeated effort
and a willingness to learn real love. Many addicts have said that working with others got
them through particularly tough periods. When we show concern for another, we manage to
divert attention from ourselves and our compulsions - for a short time anyway. The love we
show others, we transpose to ourselves. The laws of identification make each member a
reflection of a possible self. We identify with the feelings that many addicts share
because using had begun to take over our lives as well.
We used more drugs, used more often, and substituted new drugs as our addiction progressed
while the rest of our lives fell apart. Many of us covered up our general failure by
maintaining special skills or abilities. Our abilities diminished in general and even the
special skills that we used to hide our addiction began to fail us. The strategy was to do
a good ‘job’ and keep others off our back. We felt that we were in conflict with
the world. Making excuses, criticizing others, feeling inadequate, unworthy, guilty, and
fearful was our existence. Negativity became a way of life for us. Because of this
unhealthy spiritual condition, we tried to escape. Our mental processes broke down and our
thinking turned into obsession. We thought that the answers to our problem were ‘out
there somewhere' and if we could only get enough of one thing or another, we would be all
right. The obsessive thinking that follows the process of spiritual disconnection ends
with compulsive activity. This is a recurring and dangerous pattern. We have seen this
pattern emerge in using drugs as well as other ways after we got clean. Addiction has
created a pattern of fears and defense mechanisms to help us deal with life. When we could
no longer hide the fact that our addiction had taken over our lives, we faced total
collapse. We have found that the only way out is by total surrender. In spite of all the
denial, evasive actions and repeated attempts to use successfully, we came to a place
where recovery started sounding good, even though it meant we couldn't continue using. Of
course, we knew there would have to be a few changes.
One addict shared: "Having this disease is not my fault. We don't know why we have this disease nor does it matter. What matters is the solution for arresting the progress of the disease. This baffling and fatal disease compromises our morality. What would a cancer patient do for a ‘cure’, not to die? The problem lies in not knowing we have a disease to begin with. Just as any cancer patient can identify with any other cancer patient, but have problems dealing with the healthy world, so we identify with other addicts and refuse to accept that there is any such thing as health."
Another addict shared: "I was unable to recognize my disease until I got into recovery. Today I am aware of its symptoms as they occur within me. Obsessive thinking and compulsive behavior characterize my addiction. It follows a simple pattern. A loss of spirituality occurs when I slow down on meeting attendance, stop prayer and meditation, and take back my will. I lapse into self-centeredness and self-pity. Resentments set in and my gratitude goes out the window. Life becomes unmanageable because of this emotional relapse. I use something to change the way I feel and fix me.
"I tried to cover up the pain and avoid uncomfortable feelings through laughter, people pleasing, and solving everyone else's problems. It didn't work. I had to surrender my will and my life to a Power that could heal me. After a hard and honest look at myself, I took responsibility for my part in the recovery process. Only then, was meaningful progress made."
The disease of addiction is a disease of reaction. When something
happens, the fear that grows from our self-centered thinking pushes us into reacting. We
feel threatened at every turn so we try to defend ourselves. When we feel attacked, we
attack. Sometimes the attack happens only in our mind as we indulge in our resentments and
fantasies of revenge. This is a common reaction but healthy recovering people don’t
dwell in this type of thinking for long. They interact positively with the people and
events in their lives. They have learned to align their actions with their principles.
This concept seems foreign to us when we are just beginning to identify our addiction.
Addiction is rooted in the spirit and we call this self-centeredness. It is more than
simple selfishness seeking its own way. The self-centeredness of addiction results in
isolation, loneliness and alienation. It is feeling alone in the midst of a crowd, unloved
in the bosom of our families, separated from our fellow human beings and even separated
from the God of our understanding. We have found ourselves in a pit of despair where we
feel that we are unique in our misery. We think no one can possibly understand how we feel
because we believe no one has ever felt this way before.
While in this state of mind we may think of ourselves as the worst or the best. We fear
letting others know who we really are because we believe that we are unlovable. We see
every situation in the light of how it affects us. We are so insecure that we continually
seek approval and acceptance from others, but seldom feel that we receive what we need.
Self-centeredness tells us we are totally alone. This is a fearful thing and many of us
have lived with this fear for years. After a time, we can’t remember what it was like
to live without these feelings.
As individuals, we deal with many spiritual and philosophical issues. We need to feed
ourselves mentally and spiritually in order to deal with our physical and emotional
differences. Many addicts have said, "Yes, I'm powerless over drugs and they have
made my life unmanageable, but I only came to NA to get clean. I can deal with other
things on my own." Where other people can use, we cannot. Where they can control what
and how much they use, we cannot. Where they can predict what will happen when they take
even a small quantity of a drug, we cannot. So we tried ‘dealing with’ life by
buying things, gaining social acceptability, eating, gambling, working, not working,
suffering emotional swings, feeling self-pity, having sex, and all the other
‘fixes.’ In the end, we had the same spiritual void that the drugs could not
fill. We give our thoughts power as we plan the outcome without expectations. We begin to
see how ‘acting out’ on our desires can ‘fix’ us. We imagine all the
intricate details needed to accomplish our goal and justify our actions. By now, it may
seem impossible for us to turn back.
Some have said that we suffer from a love deficiency and that we are lovers in distress.
Our addiction uses everything that we do to reduce positive human contact. All the terms
we made up to describe ourselves signify low energy: droopy, lame, down, messed up, out of
it, etc. are negative. No matter which symptom or substance we pursue, we are as
determined as a hungry predator closing in on its prey. Our drive toward these obsessions
can be every bit as strong as our compulsion to get high once was. We have found ourselves
manipulating, lying and stealing to achieve our ends. We’re in the grip of our
disease and we don't want to turn back. Consequently, we indulge ourselves to the point
that we just can't do any more. Dissatisfied, we finally surrender only to find ourselves
with an addictive disorder looking for a way to express itself. We have found that we
couldn’t stop by our own force of will. The fulfillment that our obsessive thinking
promised never happened. No matter how much we got or did, we were never satisfied.
Therefore, we have to practice total abstinence from all drugs, foods containing drugs,
ice cream with liqueur, cold remedies with codeine, near beer beverages or anything else
that could plunge us into the horror of active addiction. Our understanding has to improve
and our personalities rebuilt to allow us to function successfully. We call this work
spiritual because it affects our spirits. Members of the Fellowship of NA have experience
in practicing total abstinence over drugs. Many have applied the principle of ‘not
picking up the first one’ to overcome other self-destructive behaviors that have made
our lives unmanageable (e.g. smoking tobacco, gambling, stealing, lying, etc.). What can
we do about the necessary things of life that our disease causes us to use in a
destructive way? Are we destined to be helpless victims or is there hope for us in these
areas too? For many of us, the compulsive symptoms other than drug use were non-existent
or secondary problems during our active addiction. It wasn't until the drugs left our
lives that we had to face our obsessions with food, sex, over-spending, or other things.
Some of us have not found long-term relief from this aspect of our disease even after
years in recovery.
One of our greatest challenges is learning to stop compulsive behavior as it occurs.
Identifying a non-chemical relapse is not always as cut and dried as it is with being
clean. With drugs, either we used or we didn't. With some other symptoms, there are more
shades of gray and the line between abstinence and relapse can be more blurred. Daily
inventories coupled with regular prayer and meditation has proven invaluable for keeping
our awareness heightened and our program on track. Addictive overeaters cannot practice
total abstinence. Anorexia or bulimia is not recovery from compulsive eating. The key to
recovery is eating sensibly and moderately as a permanent lifestyle. We want to be able to
eat to live, rather than live to eat. As one member said, "Recovery from overeating
is much harder than when I stopped using because I still have to ‘kiss the
dragon’ several times a day!" The same holds true for the compulsive spender. It
is not our goal to turn from spendthrift to miser. We want to learn how to set up a
reasonable budget and work within those parameters. What about the members who
compulsively seek out sexual gratification or destructive relationships? A period of
abstinence from sexual activity may be necessary for detoxing while we do a thorough
inventory, work with our sponsor, develop personal boundaries and in some cases, seek
additional help. While total abstinence from sex is possible, how many of us look forward
to a lifetime of celibacy? Most of us have envisioned healthy and loving relationships as
our goal.
Spiritual relapses frequently occur before we know it if we're not vigilant. If a
spiritual relapse happens, forgiving ourselves for our mistakes and working the program
‘just for today’ is even more crucial. Without this persistence, we could easily
become discouraged and give-up altogether. At these times when we feel disheartened, many
of us find comfort in revisiting the Third Step. We realize that our Higher Power is
always present and can help us get through any situation. The road to recovery is long and
will contain some potholes along the way. In time, we learn to be grateful for our
non-chemical symptoms as well. They act as caution lights, warning us that there is
something wrong which needs our immediate attention. Many of us have been down this path
and have experienced the miracle of recovery from addiction. We cherish the freedom and
inner peace that results from ‘a surrender’ that is more than simple abstinence
from the use of drugs. Recovery is the process of regaining the power to live. Everything
we do in recovery increases positive human contact. This allows us to move up the scale to
high-energy states that don't make us ‘loaded’. We know the results if we use
and that can be boring! The excitement is in living clean because we are never sure what
will happen. We frequently find ourselves expecting similar situations to lead to old
outcomes only to find differences that crop up and gradually ease away our fears. Total
abstinence, the desire for recovery, nature, time and patience are the great healers.
One addict shared: "I believe that the use of barbiturates in my early life for seizures has created the possibility for me to be addicted to everything I come in contact with. The ability to stop using was only over when there was no more money, drugs or people to use. Using in the morning was the only way to `kick start' this body of mine. My compulsion to live within my own paranoia was both gripping and frightening. It was inconceivable to me that life would ever change. This lifestyle became tolerable. The others that used as I did seemed to be in the midst of all the social activity. Life would not have changed until I surrendered and accepted my problem. I worked because work was only a way to earn money for my addiction. I found it easy to be successful but eventually the disease of addiction took over and the job was expendable. The streets became the reality."
In recovery, we have found that our ‘complicated disease’
boiled down to simple descriptions and simple facts. Powerlessness was one aspect. Denial
of our problem was another telltale sign. Blaming others for our problems was a sign of
our inability to take personal responsibility. Substitution was another sign, using
anything and not being able to stop once we had started. Not being able to predict what
will happen once we started using was another. One of the strangest things was the way
that our addiction forced us to use against our own will. We let down those we loved and
those who loved us the most. Isolation resulted when we ran out of people.
When we first notice that nervous and uncomfortable feeling, we can pause and become
quiet. We can make a decision to turn the disease over to the God of our understanding. We
choose ‘peace of mind’ over discomfort. If we address these feelings when they
first appear, we avoid the trap of insanity. As our mind searches for the ‘quick
fix’, we must remind ourselves of the pain that easy solutions have brought us in the
past. We play the tape all the way through to the end, not just stopping at the part where
we get what we want. We admit the consequences of our actions and honestly ask ourselves
if it's worth it. We consider the positive choices and give them preference to the
negative ones.
What if we are obsessing on one of our destructive symptoms and have started the process
of picking-up? Are we doomed to follow it through to the ‘bitter end’? Remember
that we never have to give in to our disease. We can call someone or go to a meeting if
one is available. We can pray to our Higher Power to give us the strength that we need to
stop the madness. Many of us identify our addiction as an allergic reaction, like poison
ivy or a bee-sting. Some people aren’t bothered beyond a minor discomfort. It is a
common belief that someone who has had little more than momentary pain can progress in
their allergy without knowing it. One more bee-sting and they can swell up like a balloon.
Many addicts can relate to addiction as something like diabetes and meetings as the
insulin. This basic picture grows into something more complete and at the same time, it
keeps us coming back. As we grow spiritually, the internal battle may grow larger. In some
of us, our system seemed to adapt to the drugs as our tolerance increased. Sometimes the
adaptation seems to reverse and we are more susceptible and only a little will get us
stoned. Many of us tried to substitute to avoid the unpleasant side effects of withdrawal.
As addiction walked over our lives, we lost our ability to be around everyday people. We
found it harder and harder to play the game of life convincingly. What the world didn't
know about addiction damned near killed us. Looking at life as a clean addict gives us a
whole new picture. We know that people can kill with their good intentions as if we are
nothing more than lab rats. They speak with great authority on subjects that they
can’t possibly understand. It is important to realize that they repeat the promises
of a world that offers countless products to make us feel good. We addicts are responsible
to seek reliable information in order to live clean. We see where our addiction created a
fantastic pattern of fears and defense mechanisms to deal with the hallucinations that we
thought happened when we were using. Even those who help us may be extremely limited in
other areas of their own life yet they are entirely competent when it comes to staying
clean on a daily basis. Their admission of powerlessness helps us come to terms with our
own powerlessness.
The concept of disease indicates that some external factors can initiate some relief but
we know that continued relief depends on personal responsibility. Our desire for recovery
guides us to the very things we need most. This usually begins with our commitment to stay
clean. Positive change and a revolutionary attitude can destroy the loser's point of view.
As our addiction progresses during recovery, we must grow spiritually to hold it in check.
Transition from a shame-based concept to a hope-based concept of self is necessary. Hope
and the possibility of change for the better compete with our background of despair. We
must rebuild our personalities in order to function successfully. Surrender is the
foundation of recovery. It opens the door to help from sources outside of ourselves. When
we recognize where we were and where we are now, we give credit to God and call it grace.
Only by attaining and maintaining a sense of powerlessness can we keep surrendering and
admitting our need for help.
The disease concept opens doors and encourages us to risk energy and to ‘try
again’. Without the validation of the disease concept, the sense of powerlessness may
be overwhelming. What addict has not tried and tried again to stop using and change their
way of life? We failed and fell into a spiral of low self-esteem, defeat, and acceptance
of our condition as perma nent.
When addicts hear about the disease concept, eventually, they identify. When asked what
addiction feels like, we struggle to define it in accurate terms. It may first appear as a
nervous or anxious sensation. We have a general feeling of being uncomfortable. Something
just doesn't seem quite right and our minds start searching for an answer. With incredible
speed we scan through our mental file cabinet for ‘answers’ that have been
stored away for just this situation. In a fraction of a second, we can usually focus on
what we think will make us feel better. We find a small amount of hope for a better way of
life. We are relieved of the hopelessness of our addiction. The excitement of our hope
attracts many newcomers.
Working the Steps relieves many of the symptoms. We learn that the disease of addiction is
incurable and fatal if not arrested daily. The urge to live is the only explanation for
the continued interest and energy that we still put into maintaining and bettering the NA
Fellowship today. After all, there are plenty of clean addicts today, and we have earned
our place in the world. Simple answers have the appearance of being lazy answers. Simple
the angles. The answers that we share have proven themselves in the most important arena
of all: our very lives. This is why it takes us years, oneday at a time, to learn the NA
way of life. We have had so many years to learn how not to live. After many years in
recovery, we are still learning and growing. We work the Program on a daily basis. We
continue to monitor our feelings, thoughts and actions.
Everyday people have painful living problems and suffer from having somehow gotten the
lessons of life confused with their personal worth as human beings. In our case, we base
many of our feelings, reactions, and decisions on experiences that took place in the past
or while we were loaded. We hid the fact that we were in the throes of reacting to
whatever drugs we had taken. We hung out with other addicts who told us that what we were
doing was fine. We automatically cut ourselves off from non-addicts. It’s worth
discussing this subject in some depth because in a short time, addiction makes us forget
where we came from. Non-addicts expect us to snap out of the patterns of addictive
thinking, acting and reacting by just putting down the drugs. They think that we can act
as if nothing happened, after all, isn’t that what recovery is all about? No! It
isn't! Recovery is learning to live. If we didn't already know how to live, we have a lot
of work to do.
The Program of Narcotics Anonymous teaches us that we have choices. Practicing spiritual
principles arrests insane patterns of self-indulgence and self-gratification. Just knowing
better than to use is not enough. We must find a way to live differently based on new
information. This is why we call it ‘working' the Steps. Faith coupled with action
brings change. Hope replaces despair. Faith in a power greater than ourselves empowers us
to do greater things. Once into recovery, many of us can’t explain exactly how we
have stayed clean. Grace is our enthusiasm for recovery. It enhances our ability to act on
faith and trust God to help us. Grace is also how we got clean in the first place. We must
repeatedly throw ourselves into contact with clean addicts in every conceivable situation.
This is how we learn how to go through situations clean.
Spirituality is necessary if we are not going to use drugs to change how we feel.
Spirituality alone has the power to do this. An addict believing that a power greater than
themselves directly responds to their cries for help is well on their way. Whatever makes
our clock tick; we must find out what it is for ourselves and develop our lives based on
this. How many times have we struggled with our obsessive thinking and compulsive
behaviors only to find ourselves having to surrender one more time? We have accepted our
condition as permanent. Symptom after symptom appeared to promise to offer satisfaction
only to leave us feeling cheated out of the fulfillment we sought. We expect positive
outcomes in our endeavors. Total abstinence, a desire for spiritual growth, and practicing
principles will heal our addiction. We need always remember that as long as there is life
left in us, there is hope for recovery.
[1.12.02]
persons have visited this page since October 6, 2001
Reprinted from the
N.A. FELLOWSHIP USE ONLY
Copyright � December 1998
Victor Hugo Sewell, Jr.
N.A. Foundation Group
673 Park Drive - Atlanta, Georgia 30306
[email protected]
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All rights reserved. This draft may be copied by members of Narcotics Anonymous for the purpose of writing input for future drafts, enhancing the recovery of NA members and for the general welfare of the Narcotics Anonymous Fellowship as a whole. The use of an individual name is simply a registration requirement of the Library of Congress and not a departure from the spirit or letter of the Pledge, Preface or Introduction of this book. Any reproduction by individuals or organizations outside the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous is prohibited. Any reproduction of this document for personal or corporate monetary gain is prohibited.
Last update December 18, 2002