SEX

What is sex? The dictionary gives three definitions: 1) either of the two divisions of living things especially humans, male and female, 2) the physical things that make males and females different from each other, and 3) sexual activity. It is apparent that when we try to define, discuss, or participate in ‘sex’ that our character defects become exaggerated. When ‘sex' becomes a drug to us, we lose the power of choice. We have no place to hide after we let another human being inside our lives. It is extremely important that we remain focused on our right to change. We no longer allow past events, shame, guilt, and behavior to stick to us anymore than we allow dirt to remain stuck to our skin. The recovery process helps us get clean and feel renewed. We may wish that the pain will just ‘go away’ but this may be impossible especially in the beginning of the recovery process. We work for our recovery and what we do is real. We give, struggle, and pay many prices some that carry high interest rates or penalties.

We may find that the issue of lust often clouds our minds when we talk about sex in recovery. Lust, memories of abuse, resentments, and fears can keep us from hearing the recovery that another addict tries to share. These also motivate us to judge others. While it is true that sex or romantic feelings can set us on a course of relapse, they aren’t the only ones. Until we get comfortable with ourselves, our sexuality and sexual preferences we will continue to have trouble in relating to others. We may find ourselves feeling those old feelings that we can easily associate with past pain. We owe it to others as well as ourselves to project these fears and negative expectations on the current object of our affection. One way to fight this is by writing out what we know to be happening. The tool of writing allows us to choose actions that differ from what our life-limiting feelings are screaming at us to do.

Sex generates energy that can make us feel as though life is wonderful or horrible. It is easy for any issue relating to sex to place us in a cycle of extremes. There is a definite potential for us to feel the entire range of emotions and to take extreme actions that range from total abstinence to promiscuity. We have to learn to put our recovery first. If a time should ever come where we feel uncomfortable saying this to a sexual partner, we will be in jeopardy. Sex requires energy and love. We sometimes mistake the energy that we feel for love. The Fellowship of NA includes members from various backgrounds, religious beliefs, and personal preferences yet we care about newcomers making it in recovery. We all know that the first year can be hell. Some try relationships including sex during early recovery to alleviate the pain of withdrawal. We caution our members to avoid ‘mere sex’ that can lead us to the pits of despair and desolation.

Our experience shows us that we need to have a solid foundation in recovery before we become sexually involved with a new partner. Having that foundation increases the likelihood that these relationships can succeed. Some members have chosen to wait until they had a year clean before trying to have a sexual relationship. Others have committed to working the Steps first. Some have talked with their sponsors or other recovering addicts. These individuals know them well enough to give informed and honest responses. There is no hard and fast ‘rule’ on how to handle the issues that we have regarding sex. No matter which path we pick, we will grow from the experience.

Being a member of NA doesn't give us the right to impose our moral values on others. Rather membership gives us the opportunity to define our own ‘moral beliefs’ and to live in harmony with them. If we want intimacy, we may find sex is only getting in the way. Intimacy involves mutual dependence. Our fear of dependence on another can lead us to resume habit patterns although we know that they won't work for us. We spend our time with people who tell us the truth and hang around long enough to hear what they are saying. We add names to the list of people with whom we can relate and spend time by working on having friendships. This allows us to be in a position to share and receive what we need to grow. We may continue to set ourselves up for betrayal but this doesn't undermine the strength of spiritual principles. It just means that we can ‘mess up’ if we try and that each effort helps us grow.

Rape, incest, abuse, lust, sexual tension, or fear of past problems may cause us not to trust others. It may help to remember that we do not all share the same life experiences or symptoms of addiction. We share a common bond of addiction. We won't apologize for our openness for it plays a large part in our common welfare. We know that there are those who need recovery that have different sexual preference from ours. Why should they suffer the pain and terror of active addiction because of these differences? It is wonderful that they can find recovery in NA in spite of these differences. It is good that we look at similarities and not the things that could separate or divide us. We must each individually and as a member of the Fellowship remain open to the changes that will occur in others and ourselves during this process called recovery.

Many of us were confused about sex when we first came into NA. Love-making may have been such a part of our lifestyle while using that we may need to wait a while for the water to clear before taking stock of our feelings. Issues of sexual preference may further complicate and confuse us. By making friends with others, we secure allies who help us learn what we have missed so far. By talking with a sponsor or trusted friend, we find the desire for growth becoming so strong in us that we take the leap. Today, we can actually go up to someone and ask for help in these areas. Some of us have used words like, "I’ve always gotten into serious relationships and it occurred to me that I may be trying too hard. Would you be my friend? Can we talk and do a few things together? I’m not interested in a sexual relationship at this point."

Spiritual honesty is not a part of foreplay. Sharing with another human being on a deep personal level may awaken feelings of desire and intimacy that we associate only with those we love. It is easy to get confused and that is why we must remain focused on recovery. Spiritual sharing doesn't mean that we give ourselves physically or that we abandon ‘common sense’ completely. The purpose of sharing is to lower some barriers and open ourselves up to new ideas, feelings, and viewpoints. We must seek the assistance of our Higher Power to do this in safety knowing that the person we are trusting will not exploit our vulnerability. We may want to make a special prayer of some sort before we open ourselves up completely.

Fear is the great lie. It makes us incapable of clear thinking and prevents us from getting help. Shame keeps us chained long after the prison doors have opened. It’s what we do to ourselves that cuts us off from others and holds us back. The origins of our fear, shame, or limitations usually resulted from a dysfunctional upbringing or developed during the course of active addiction. We examine these feelings in light of our present experience and resources. While in active adduction we were so busy running through the maze of our lives that we had no time to take a careful look. If we don't stay focused on the present, we may subject ourselves to improperly assigned guilt and blame.

As we become aware of feelings that we have suppressed and restrained for so long, we begin to get comfortable with them. We also become aware that others around us are going through this same process. We probably exchanged feelings with others only on a physical level and now the need for exchanges with others of an emotional and spiritual nature that we couldn't reach before is overwhelming. Honesty, trust, and sincerity are principles that work well and are necessary in all areas of our lives. We learn that it may not always be best to get what we want or what we think we need. Praying about our wants and needs helps us get through the insanity of obsessing over another person or being overwhelmed by lust.

Our sexual behavior while in active addiction was mostly elaborate fantasies that we played out on an imaginary theater stage and starred our sick egos. We want more in life than the self-centered displays of personal power that we have settled for in the past. The desire to have sexual relations is fundamental drive in most humans and we are no different just because we are addicts. Sharing our emotions and feelings can easily intensify these desires and our disease can cause us to misinterpret this fact. Sexual activity is neither right nor wrong. However, if we use manipulation, deceit, and exploitation to get sex then we are wrong. The one on the receiving end hurts now but the one doing the exploiting always hurts later. Old-timers in the Fellowship are just as vulnerable to acting inappropriately on these desires as newcomers are although they fall prey less frequently. Relationships between newcomers and older members can be especially dangerous in this regard. There is no excuse for older and newer members to avoid each other entirely. That would go against the WE concept upon which NA is built. We all need to have our vulnerability, confusion, and loneliness treated in a spiritual way rather than as a sexual come-on. We should be careful not to judge one innocent and the other guilty. We must love and try to help both. Most of us have had the painful experience of playing God. Today, we try to respect the feelings of everyone that wants the NA way of life, especially if their process of recovery seems different from ours.

Many of our feelings are instinctively correct even when new to recovery. What takes time is gaining the ability to interpret these feelings and acting properly to get what we want. Generally, if we feel cornered or threatened, we talk about how we feel with others that we trust to see what they think. Recovery is a contact sport but this doesn’t necessarily mean physical contact. An understanding of this will reduce our tendency to see things that aren't there or don't mean what we think they do. This will save everyone the trouble of over-reacting and choosing the avoidance patterns that are no longer necessary. When we see and hear clearly, we truly begin to experience what we feel and are no longer deluded into thinking it is something else. Our lives reflect reality.

Addiction makes us want to cover our motives and feelings up with clouds of confusion. This is one of the reasons that we suggest to newcomers that they avoid sexual relationships until they have some time clean. There are as many opinions on this topic as there are members of NA and any reader of this material will surely have their own. WE as a Fellowship, attempt to not moralize or judge someone because their opinion differs from our own. We see that great harm happens in the name of recovery when we give advice if we really don’t know what that person went or is going through.

The objective of the NA society is to encourage one another to be a whole and healthy human being. We learn to allow women to be feminine and attractive as well as allowing men to be handsome, courtly, and charming if they so choose. Likewise, we learn that women can be strong and assertive while men can be gentle and loving. In other words, we all get to be human and can express our emotions in a way that is appropriate to the situation or demands of the moment. We want to create a safe environment for freedom and not another place that advocates conformity with severe social punishment for offenders. When we find ourselves dressing provocatively in the attempt to dazzle and confuse, we may want to stop and think it over. If we decide to go ahead, we haven't lost a thing and certainly have not lost recovery. If we spot an area of or a moment of concern, we can pass on the opportunity. We must remember that when we influence or distract someone else in harmful ways we will always pay the price. Sometimes this cost seems to be too high and we can refuse to participate. We are our own worst witnesses, judges, and executioners so we must maintain our connection with other addicts in order to have a better view of reality.

This brief description may help us to picture what happened to us. We begin to understand that there are rules for families with defendable boundaries and that bonding is possible. Outside of the defendable boundaries is chaos, which is stimulating but provides no lasting reward. The way we lived in active addiction was similar to the way that even animals live when they cannot assure themselves of the necessities of life. It is another way of looking at active addiction. In recovery, we notice that some of the rules seem to change and this is probably real. We change our ideas of the things that we want, discover what is possible for us to do or have, and most importantly we learn to accept who we are.

An addict, whether male or female, in active addiction is forced to play by rules not of their making. They must do so in order to survive. In recovery, we judge ourselves harshly and tend to forget that if we were sick in some areas, we were probably sick in all. By learning to be gentle, we find those with whom we can share our pain. Praying to an all-powerful and loving God for help in finding ways to become healthier gives us the hope of real and lasting growth. We only have to look around the Fellowship to know the pain we have all come through. We learn that the blessings of recovery are ours if we only have the desire and the willingness to do the footwork that is necessary to receive them.

Whether to have sexual relationships is a major decision in these times because of the extreme health problems that can occur. The risk of pregnancy or venereal disease used to be the worst things that could happen because of sexual activity. Today we have AIDS, Hepatitis B, and Herpes to name a few that are incurable and potentially fatal. More than ever, we need to be careful. The disease of addiction will use any method at its disposal to kill us. Our only protection is in this awareness and the commitment to practice safe sexual habits. These methods range from abstinence to the use of condoms. The choice belongs to each one of us. It comforts us when we remember that our life energy is not limitless and that people have always had the task of being careful about their mental, spiritual and physical health.

Spirituality and intimacy are synonymous in our striving to be real, honest, sincere, and loving towards each other. Our spiritual beliefs and practices increase immensely when we become intimate with another. We may feel challenged by others because it seems to be human nature to be defensive in order to protect our territory. If we are not so defensive, others may perceive us as being vulnerable and weak. We weather these storms and grow from our suffering. We flourish in the atmosphere of love, intimacy, and nurturing as a flower flourishes from rain, sunshine, and fertilizer. This support gives us the strength that is necessary in order for us to survive the tough times. Periodic, meaningful, safe, and natural are recovery terms that we apply to sex rather than the terms of addiction: compulsive, placating, impulsive, and dishonest. When a person shares intimate details about their life that could be embarrassing or harmful, we must keep it in trust amongst ourselves and within the Fellowship. Active addiction forces all of us to say and do things that make us feel guilty and ashamed. Recovery is the choice to change with the help of others and the commitment to enjoy a better life.

When sex becomes a drug to us, we loose the power of choice. For some addicts, sex is our drug of choice once we get clean. We then ask, "Where do we draw the line between sexual addiction and healthy sexuality?" Some of us have found it hard to skip a day without sex. We have unsatisfyable desires. This hunger will never subside if we feed it; it will only increase our appetite. We crave sexual satisfaction stronger than food or shelter. Sexual addiction is compulsive, selfish, impulsive, dishonest, and a quick fix. This, of course, results in unmanageability. When we find ourselves in obsession, compulsion, or participating in risky behavior, we need to go to step one and surrender our powerlessness. Part of our restoration to sanity is the coming change in our sex lives. Then we are on to step three to complete the surrender.

Are we using sex as an escape from our feelings and our problems? If we are using it to make us feel okay, then when it is gone we feel horrible. We then need to examine our motives: Are we doing this for selfish reasons? Are we pleasing ourselves at another's expense? When we find ourselves playing games, we pause. Playing games is old behavior. We do not use people or lie to others to get sex. Dishonesty is not recovery.

Sex is a major health decision in these times. More than ever, we have to be careful. Risk of pregnancy or venereal disease used to be the worse thing that could happen. Today we must practice safe sex. Condoms are available free and anonymously at any health department. It may be a comfort to remember that people have always needed to be careful about their mental, spiritual and physical health. If we are living on the edge with risky behavior and reckless conduct then we must surrender to unmanageability.

Domination, submission, power, and control feed our ego. Almost all of us have had the painful experience of having "played God" in some instance or another. We want more out of life than self-centered displays of personal power. Perhaps the easiest thing for us to agree upon is that we need to put our recovery first. If we feel uncomfortable setting this limit with a sexual partner, we are already in jeopardy. If we have a problem with promiscuity, we may want to try abstinence one day at a time for the first year. This gives us time to get to know ourselves and set our priorities. At one year clean, we may wonder what we ever saw in someone that we were attracted to when we had thirty days. Anytime we get in a hurry, that is our disease. If a relationship is meant to be, then we can't stop it from happening. We don't need to rush to make it happen right now: that is self will.

In active addiction, sexual relationships were more fantasy and less reality. We are so self-centered that we tend to look at, "What is in it for me?" or "What will I get out of this relationship?" This is very selfish, not spiritual. The desire to have sexual relations is fundamental in most humans, let alone addicts. Sex is neither right wrong, we just don't want anyone to get hurt. As we enter recovery, we become social people again. We feel empathy. Many of us have not had sex clean. We begin to bond with others that are going through this same process. We have probably exchanged feelings only on a physical level and now have a need to share on a deeper level, both emotionally and spiritually. We feel the feelings and let them go. We do not have to act on these feelings. Staying stuck is comfortable. Acceptance needs to happen before change can begin. We apply honesty, trust, and sincerity. We are not ready for serious relationships until we have made changes on the inside.

Active addiction forces all of us to say and do things that make us feel guilty and ashamed. What we share with others in this area could be embarrassing or harmful. We need a spiritual setting to do this, without fear of the person we trust exploiting us. Meetings and sponsors become a safe place for us. We can begin to lower some of our barriers as we begin to feel safe. We may want to make a special prayer of some sort before opening ourselves up so completely. Vulnerability, confusion, and loneliness ought to be treated spiritually instead of as sexual come on. Spiritual sharing doesn't require us to give of ourselves physically or abandon common sense completely. Setting ourselves up for betrayal or misapplying the openness and trust we give to addicts seeking recovery in NA doesn't undercut the strength of spiritual principles, it just means we can mess it up if we try... We want to make sure the persons we are interacting with are playing by the rules. Our program is a society of men and women for whom drugs have become a major problem. Our NA society has to have special understandings to be self-regulating since there is no outside force to do this. Part of the ‘special understanding’ is that if we do harm to another, we can expect the harm to rebound on us quicker and more directly than in our lives before we started praying for extra help. Spirituality becomes a real force in our lives.

Memories of abuse, and old resentments may prevent us from hearing what is being said. If we find ourselves getting images associated with past pain, we owe it to ourselves not to project our fears and past experiences on our partner. It may help to write about what is happening now and what it reminds us of in the past. Forth and Fifth Steps rid us of old patterns. We may be sabotaging this relationship by reliving old hurt. As our emotions are screaming at us, we pause. The origins of our fear, shame, or guilt are usually from our past. We gently share parts of our past with our love partner so they can help put these things behind us. We don’t want to blame our present love for the pain of our pasts. The light of exposure robs these painful memories of their power over our present and future.

Fear is the great lie. It renders us incapable of thinking clearly. Fear is the core of our disease. Fear holds us back and keeps us sick. It is behind all our self-centeredness. In the name of safety, it ruins our lives. If fear is our motivator, then we are not in our recovery but are in our disease. We check for improperly assigned guilt and blame. It cuts us off from others. Shame keeps us in chains long after the prison door has opened. We use it to beat ourselves up. We come back to today and use our present resources. God, we were so busy running through the maze of our lives, that we had no time to take a careful look. We have allowed fear to hold us back our entire life. We need faith and courage to move into a new phase of our recovery. We use this faith to walk through the fear.

We may mistake compassion for passion. Lust may keep an addict from hearing the recovery another addict tries to share. The issue of lust often clouds our minds. We may confuse spiritual honesty with foreplay. Sharing with another human being on a deep personal level can awaken feelings of desire and intimacy that we have associated only with lovers. Sometimes we confuse sex with love. The feelings and energy we can get from sex is similar to the spiritual feelings of goodness and well being. We sometimes are confused about what we feel. We know that we feel something when we are around this person, but we aren't sure what our feelings are. All the more reason not to rush head over heels into anything. As we stay clean we learn to trust our feelings, we begin to sort things out. We open ourselves to new ideas, feelings, and view-points. Love is an action of giving. Spirituality and intimacy are synonymous in that by striving to be real, honest, sincere and loving towards another our spiritual beliefs and practices are strengthened. Our rule is to treat others the way that we would like to be treated.

To learn something new, we need to be with people who will tell us the truth. We spend enough time with them to hear clearly what they are saying. By focusing on friendship, we automatically build our network. This is a list of people that we can relate to on various subjects and spend time with. This allows us to be in a position to share and receive information. Recovery is a contact sport. We must learn unconditional love and positive regard for all human beings. Love is an action. It is in giving that we receive.

Until we get a measure of peace with our own sexuality, we will have trouble relating to others. We have to come to terms with our personal preferences. We have to be honest about this to be happy. Many of us are confused about our sexual preference when we first come to recovery. Lovemaking may remind us of using and being used. We may have to wait a while for our mind to clear. Many times we don't trust our feelings or our instincts. With time we gain the ability to identify our feelings and act congruent with our morals. We earn our recovery and what we do is real. We give and struggle and pay many prices, some with high interest rates. We talk about how we feel with other members and listen to their experience, strength, and hope. Eventually we become more self-confidant and second-guess ourselves less. We tend to obsess and analyze our behavior ad nausea. Soon we begin to see overreaction and avoidance patterns less often. Frequently, all that is needed is validation from others. In this way our lives begin to reflect a certain reality. Most of us have been extremely hard on ourselves and it is a relief to give ourselves a break. We have a right to be human and make mistakes.

NA doesn't give us the right to impose our moral values on others. Rather NA gives us the opportunity to discover what our own moral beliefs really are and to learn to live in harmony with them.

While we come from many backgrounds, religious beliefs and personal preferences, we try to respect others and practice 'Live and let Live'. Many opinions exist on this topic and any reader of this material surely has their own. Let it stand that we, as a Fellowship, do not moralize or judge anyone. We have seen much harm done by trying to fit in with the moral majority and family values. We look at others and realize that we have never walked in their shoes. We have been misunderstood through much of our life. One of the things that attracted us to NA was that there are no musts and that we can be accepted just the way we are.

In recovery, we notice that our perception changes. We become more open-minded. In addition, we may find ourselves changing what we want, what be believe in, and who we are. Many of us did not know ourselves but instead took on others beliefs and lifestyles. We begin to grow and mature as we leave the fear and dependency behind. We will be challenged by others and we then find our opinion to be our own and not someone else's. We know that if we don't stand for something, we will fall for anything. We learn to say no and stand by it. We can have a discussion and disagree without being disagreeable. It is very important that we stay clear about our right to change. We weather the storms and grow from our struggles. It is important for us both individually and as a fellowship to be open to change in ourselves and others.