Narcotics Anonymous Way of Life

CHAPTER TWO

DISEASE CONCEPT

We used more drugs, used more often, and substituted new drugs as our addiction progressed while the rest of our lives fell apart. Our abilities diminished in general and even the special skills that we used to hide our addiction began to fail us. Many of us covered up our general failure by maintaining special skills or abilities. The strategy was to do a good ‘job’ and keep others off our back. We felt that we were in conflict with the world. Making excuses, criticizing others, feeling inadequate, unworthy, guilty, and fearful was our existence. Negativity became a way of life for us. Because of this unhealthy spiritual condition, we tried to escape. Our mental processes broke down and our thinking turned into obsession. We thought that the answers to our problem were ‘out there’ somewhere and if we could only get enough of one thing or another, we would be all right. The obsessive thinking that follows the process of spiritual disconnection ends with compulsive activity. This is a recurring and dangerous pattern. We have seen this pattern emerge in using drugs as well as other ways after we got clean. Addiction has created a pattern of fears and defense mechanisms to help us deal with life. When we could no longer hide the fact that our addiction had taken over our lives, we faced total collapse. We have found that the only way out is by total surrender. In spite of all the denial, evasive actions, and repeated attempts to use successfully, we came to a place where recovery started sounding pretty good, even though it meant we couldn't continue using. Of course, we knew there would have to be a few changes.

We know that addiction is a three-part illness. It’s physical, mental, and spiritual. There is no greater advantage to the addict seeking recovery than learning the ‘disease concept of addiction’. This has enabled hundreds of thousands of NA members to recover. The more that we connect our pain to our disease, the less likely we are to allow ourselves to drift back into that pattern that precedes relapse. We have to take care that power, credit taking, judgement of others, and reluctance to do our part don’t gain control again. Pain doesn’t cure our illness; it makes the disease seem mysterious and superstitious. The most solemn vow, the strongest will power, or the most heart-wrenching pleas for help offer only temporary solutions. In our experience, until an addict finds the desire to stop using there is little hope for recovery. It is this desire 'powers' our recovery.

The disease of addiction is a disease of reaction. When something happens, the fear that grows from our self-centered thinking pushes us into reacting. We feel threatened at every turn so we try to defend ourselves. When we feel attacked, we attack. Sometimes the attack happens only in our mind as we indulge in our resentments and fantasies of revenge. This is a common reaction but healthy recovering people don’t dwell in this type of thinking for long. They interact positively with the people and events in their lives. They have learned to align their actions with their principles. This concept seems foreign to us when we are just beginning to identify our addiction. Addiction is rooted in the spirit and we call this self-centeredness. It is more than simple selfishness seeking its own way. The self-centeredness of addiction results in isolation, loneliness, and alienation. It is feeling alone in the midst of a crowd, unloved in the bosom of our families, separated from our fellow human beings, and separated even from God. We have found ourselves in a pit of despair where we feel that we are unique in our misery. We think no one can possibly understand how we feel because no one has ever felt this way before.

While in this state of mind we may think of ourselves as the worst or the best. We fear letting others know who we really are because we believe that we are unlovable. We see every situation in the light of how it affects us. We are so insecure that we continually seek approval and acceptance from others, but seldom feel that we receive what we need. Self-centeredness tells us we are totally alone. This is a fearful thing and many of us have lived with this fear for years. After a time, we can’t remember what it was like to live without these feelings.

As individuals, we deal with many spiritual and philosophical issues because we need to feed ourselves mentally and spiritually in order to deal with our physical and emotional differences. Many addicts have said, "Yes, I'm powerless over drugs and they have made my life unmanageable, but I only came to NA to get clean. I can deal with other things on my own." Where other people can use, we cannot. Where they can control what and how much they use, we cannot. Where they can predict what will happen when they take even a small quantity of a drug, we cannot. So we tried ‘dealing with’ life by buying things, gaining social acceptability, eating, gambling, working, not working, suffering emotional swings, feeling self-pity, having sex, and all the other ‘fixes’. In the end, we had the same spiritual void that the drugs could not fill. We give our thoughts power as we plan the outcome without expectations. We begin to see how ‘acting out’ on our desires can ‘fix’ us. We imagine all the intricate details needed to accomplish our goal and justify our actions. By now, it may seem impossible for us to turn back.

Some have said that we suffer from a love deficiency and that we are lovers in distress. Our addiction uses everything that we do to reduce positive human contact. All the terms we made up to describe ourselves signify low energy: droopy, lame, down, messed up, etc. are negative. No matter which symptom or substance we pursue, we are as determined as a hungry predator closing in on its prey. Our drive toward these obsessions can be every bit as strong as our compulsion to get high once was. We have found ourselves manipulating, lying, and stealing to achieve our ends. We’re in the grip of our disease and we don't want to turn back. Consequently, we indulge ourselves to the point that we just can't do any more. Dissatisfied, we finally surrender only to find ourselves with an addictive disorder looking for a way to express itself. We have found that we couldn’t stop by our own force of will. The fulfillment that our obsessive thinking promised never happened. No matter how much we got or did, we were never satisfied. Therefore, we have to practice total abstinence from all drugs, foods containing drugs, ice cream with liqueur, cold remedies with codeine, beverages or anything else that could plunge us into the horror of active addiction. Our understanding has to improve and our personalities rebuilt to allow us to function successfully. We call this work spiritual because it affects our spirits. Members of the Fellowship of NA have experience in practicing total abstinence over drugs. Many have applied the principle of ‘not picking up the first one’ to overcome other self-destructive behaviors that have made our lives unmanageable (e.g. smoking tobacco, gambling, stealing, lying, etc.). What can we do about the necessary things of life that our disease causes us to use in a destructive way? Are we destined to be helpless victims or is there hope for us in these areas too? For many of us, the compulsive symptoms other than drug use, were non-existent or secondary problems during our active addiction. It wasn't until the drugs left our lives that we had to face our obsessions with food, sex, over-spending, or other things. Some of us have not found long-term relief from this aspect of our disease even after years in recovery.

One of our greatest challenges is learning to stop compulsive behavior as it occurs. Identifying a non-chemical relapse is not always as cut and dried as it is with being clean. With drugs, either we used or we didn't. With some other symptoms there are more shades of gray and the line between abstinence and relapse can be more blurred. Daily inventories coupled with regular prayer and meditation have proven invaluable for keeping our awareness heightened and our program on track. Addictive overeaters cannot practice total abstinence. Anorexia or bulimia is not recovery from compulsive eating. The key to recovery is eating sensibly and moderately as a permanent lifestyle. We want to be able to eat to live, rather than live to eat. As one member said, "Recovery from overeating is much harder than when I stopped using because I still have to ‘kiss the dragon’ several times a day!" The same holds true for the compulsive spender. It is not our goal to turn from spendthrift to miser. We want to learn how to set up a reasonable budget and work within those parameters. What about the members who compulsively seek out sexual gratification or destructive relationships? A period of abstinence from sexual activity may be necessary for detoxing while we do a thorough inventory, work with our sponsor, develop personal boundaries, and in some cases, seek additional help. While total abstinence from sex is possible, how many of us look forward to a lifetime of celibacy? Most of us have envisioned healthy and loving relationships as our goal.

Spiritual relapses frequently occur before we know it if we're not vigilant. If a spiritual relapse happens, forgiving ourselves for our mistakes and working the program ‘just for today’ is even more crucial. Without this persistence, we could easily become discouraged and give-up altogether. At these times when we feel disheartened, many of us find comfort in revisiting the Third Step. We realize that our Higher Power is always present and can help us get through any situation. The road to recovery is long and will contain some potholes along the way. In time, we learn to be grateful for our non-chemical symptoms as well. They act as caution lights, warning us that there is something wrong which needs our immediate attention. Many of us have been down this path and have experienced the miracle of recovery from addiction. We cherish the freedom and inner peace that results from ‘a surrender’ that is more than simple abstinence from the use of drugs. Recovery is the process of regaining the power to live. Everything we do in recovery increases positive human contact. This allows us to move up the scale to high-energy states that don't make us ‘loaded’. We know the results if we use and that can be boring! The excitement is in living clean because we are never sure what will happen. We frequently find ourselves expecting similar situations to lead to old outcomes only to find differences that crop up and gradually ease away our fears. Total abstinence, the desire for recovery, nature, time, and patience are the great healers.

In recovery, we have found that our ‘complicated disease’ boiled down to simple descriptions and simple facts. Powerlessness was one aspect. Denial of our problem was another telltale sign. Blaming others for our problems was a sign of our inability to take personal responsibility. Substitution was another sign, using anything and the not being able to stop once we had started. Not being able to predict what will happen once we started using was another. One of the strangest things was the way that our addiction forced us to use against our own will. We let down those we loved and those who loved us the most. Isolation resulted when we ran out of people. When we first notice that nervous and uncomfortable feeling, we can pause and become quiet. We can make a decision to turn the disease over to the God of our understanding. We choose ‘peace of mind’ over discomfort. If we address these feelings when they first appear, we avoid the trap of insanity. As our mind searches for the ‘quick fix’, we must remind ourselves of the pain that easy solutions have brought us in the past. We play the tape all the way through to the end, not just stopping at the part where we get what we want. We admit the consequences of our actions and honestly ask ourselves if it's worth it. We consider the positive choices and give them preference to the negative ones.

What if we are obsessing on one of our destructive symptoms and have started the process of picking-up? Are we doomed to follow it through to the ‘bitter end’? Remember that we never have to give in to our disease. We can call someone or go to a meeting if one is available. We can pray to our Higher Power to give us the strength that we need to stop the madness. Many of us identify our addiction as an allergic reaction, like poison ivy or a bee-sting. Some people aren’t bothered beyond a minor discomfort. It is a common belief that someone who has had little more than momentary pain can progress in their allergy without knowing it. One more bee-sting and they can swell up like a balloon. Many addicts can relate to addiction as something like diabetes and meetings as the insulin. This basic picture grows into something more complete and at the same time, it keeps us coming back. As we grow spiritually, the internal battle may grow larger. In some of us, our system seemed to adapt to the drugs as our tolerance increased. Sometimes the adaptation seems to reverse and we are more susceptible and only a little will get us stoned. Many of us tried to substitute to avoid the unpleasant side effects of withdrawal. As addiction walked over our lives, we lost our ability to be around everyday people. We found it harder and harder to play the game of life convincingly. What the world didn't know about addiction damned near killed us. Looking at life as a clean addict gives us a whole new picture. We know that people can kill with their good intentions as if we are nothing more than lab rats. They speak with great authority on subjects that they can’t possibly understand. It is important to realize that they repeat the promises of a world that offers countless products to make us feel good. We addicts are responsible to seek reliable information in order to live clean. We see where our addiction created a fantastic pattern of fears and defense mechanisms to deal with the hallucinations that we thought happened when we were using. Even those who help us may be extremely limited in other areas of their own life yet they are entirely competent when it comes to staying clean on a daily basis. Their admission of powerlessness helps us come to terms with our own powerlessness.

The concept of disease indicates that some external factors can initiate some relief but we know that continued relief depends on personal responsibility. Our desire for recovery guides us to the very things we need most. This usually begins with our commitment to stay clean. Positive change and a revolutionary attitude can destroy the loser's point of view. As our addiction progresses during recovery, we must grow spiritually to hold it in check. Transition from a shame-based concept to a hope-based concept of self is necessary. Hope and the possibility of change for the better compete with our background of despair. We must rebuild our personalities in order to function successfully. Surrender is the foundation of recovery. It opens the door to help from sources outside of ourselves. When we recognize where we were and where we are now, we give credit to God and call it grace. Only by attaining and maintaining a sense of powerlessness can we keep surrendering and admitting our need for help.

The disease concept opens doors and encourages us to risk energy and to ‘try again’. Without the validation of the disease concept, the sense of powerlessness may be overwhelming. What addict has not tried and tried again to stop using and change their way of life? We failed and fell into a spiral of low self-esteem, defeat, and acceptance of our condition as permanent. When addicts hear about the disease concept, eventually, they identify. When asked what addiction feels like, we struggle to define it in accurate terms. It may first appear as a nervous or anxious sensation. We have a general feeling of being uncomfortable. Something just doesn't seem quite right and our minds start searching for an answer. With incredible speed we scan through our mental file cabinet for ‘answers’ that have been stored away for just this situation. In a fraction of a second, we can usually focus on what we think will make us feel better. We find a small amount of hope for a better way of life. We are relieved of the hopelessness of our addiction. The excitement of our hope attracts many newcomers.

Working the Steps relieves many of the symptoms. We learn that the disease of addiction is incurable and fatal if not arrested daily. The urge to live is the only explanation for the continued interest and energy that we still put into maintaining and bettering the NA Fellowship today. After all, there are plenty of clean addicts today, and we have earned our place in the world. Simple answers have the appearance of being lazy answers. Simple answers to complex questions seem to be generic answers that don’t cover all the angles. The answers that we share have proven themselves in the most important arena of all: our very lives. This is why it takes us years, one day at a time, to learn the NA way of life. We have had so many years to learn how not to live. After many years in recovery, we are still learning and growing. We work the Program on a daily basis. We continue to monitor our feelings, thoughts, and actions.

Everyday people have painful living problems and suffer from having somehow gotten the lessons of life confused with their personal worth as human beings. In our case, we base many of our feelings, reactions, and decisions on experiences that took place in the past or while we were loaded. We hid the fact that we were in the throes of reacting to whatever drugs we had taken. We hung out with other addicts who told us that what we were doing was fine. We automatically cut ourselves off from non-addicts. It’s worth discussing this subject in some depth because in a short time, addiction makes us forget where we came from. Non-addicts expect us to snap out of the patterns of addictive thinking, acting and reacting by just putting down the drugs. They think that we can act as it nothing happened, after all, isn’t that what recovery is all about? No! It isn't! Recovery is learning to live. If we didn't already know how to live, we have a lot of work to do.

The Program of Narcotics Anonymous teaches us that we have choices. Practicing spiritual principles arrests insane patterns of self-indulgence and self-gratification. Just knowing better than to use is not enough. We must find a way to live differently based on new information. This is why we call it ‘working' the Steps. Faith coupled with action brings change. Hope replaces despair. Faith in a power greater than ourselves empowers us to do greater things. Once into recovery, many of us can’t explain exactly how we have stayed clean. Grace is our enthusiasm for recovery; our ability to act on faith and trust God to help us. Grace is also how we got clean in the first place. We must repeatedly throw ourselves into contact with clean addicts in every conceivable situation. This is how we learn how to go through situations clean.

Spirituality is necessary if we are not going to use drugs to change how we feel. Spirituality alone has the power to do this. An addict believing that a power greater than themselves directly responds to their cries for help is well on their way. Whatever makes our clock tick, we must find out what it is for ourselves and develop our lives based on this. How many times have we struggled with our obsessive thinking and compulsive behaviors only to find ourselves having to surrender one more time? We have accepted our condition as permanent. Symptom after symptom appeared to promise to offer satisfaction only to leave us feeling cheated out of the fulfillment we sought. We expect positive outcomes in our endeavors. Total abstinence, a desire for spiritual growth, and practicing principles will heal our addiction. We need always remember that as long as there is life left in us, there hope for recovery.