HONESTY

For most of us on a feeling level, our admission of powerlessness over our addiction is the first honesty we've been certain of in a while. As we come to realize that we are loved and respected for our honesty, we can come to other truths about ourselves.

Certainly, any addict in recovery is going through a series of struggles to overcome the habits we acquire in active addiction. Those of our members who have achieved long periods of total abstinence and spiritual growth share the fact that each release from the chains of our disease places new demands for personal, spiritual honesty on us. Each trust bond formed is a new chance to betray. Like the other forms our disease takes, we learn to make the correct choice. The choice which brings us out of our fear, denial and hopelessness. None of us are perfect yet through the power of the Twelve Steps, we are gradually able to face life on life's terms.

Honesty as a principle, as a new habitual tool we utilize to deal with things as they come up, protects us in recovery and fleshes out the dead portions of our lives. The help of other members, a good sponsor and a home group eases our way considerably.

Many of us have `traded off' different forms of honesty. If we were sick and hurting inside, we might parade a great show of paid bills and cash register honesty. We divert attention away from our emotional dishonesty and pain. Then we pretend the program has let us down!

If we have been more open about our thievery, we may treasure certain rationalizations about why we do these things, exhibiting great care and dexterity to shift blame for our offenses onto someone else. We only need to do this as long as we are helpless to change. As soon as we can admit our desire for change, we can begin to laugh at ourselves and stop perpetrating the fraud that we didn't know what we were doing. Most of us knew, we just didn't know any better. Our ability to make ourselves miserable with seeming logic is almost incredible.

Honesty, as a principle, tells us to turn away from lies and falsehoods; to turn towards reality and get used to using the new power recovery brings. If we honestly don't like our jobs, we change jobs. If we have amends we need to make, we become willing and make them. If we're not happy in our associations or relationships, we use the power of a loving God and find a way to become happy.

Awareness in itself is not honesty, but it is a prerequisite. As we slowly become aware of our actions and feelings and their consequences, we need to be honest about our motivations.

We can fool others, but we can't afford to fool ourselves. As we become more aware of our actions, we begin to realize that self awareness is indeed the key to our recovery. Awareness allows us to identify with what is going on around us. Our first step is the first honest admission many of us have made in a while. This kind of honesty gives us the ability to question our initial ideas and feelings and look beyond them. By being open-minded we can allow others to plant the seeds of awareness in us, blossoming into honesty.

Dazed and out of step with the world of non addicts, we began to life private fearful lives. We would not reveal ourselves to others as we came to expect personal rejection. This prevented our forming trust bonds and increased our isolation. Getting to know someone new or someone who didn't use the way we did was a serious threat.

Surrender is critical for self-honesty. Surrender is to concede without reservations; to unconditionally accept reality. When we surrender, and really get honest, we realize that we are powerless not only over our addiction but over most other aspects of our lives as well. We become open-minded to new possibilities and ideas beyond our self-centeredness. We accept the fact that we have a disease, and that our best thinking got us here. This new attitude gives us the ability to question our initial ideas, and look beyond them. Surrender results in freedom, ego-erasure, and God-centeredness, as opposed to self-centeredness.

When we come to NA, we enter a society where spiritual principles are valued. As we grow to want what others in recovery have, we become willing to adopt these principles. We have the desire to be honest before we may actually have the ability.

Our need for acceptance, and to be a part of what we want to identify with around us, leads us. We are attracted to this way of life. Our approval seeking behavior can help us move towards recovery. Later on, we may get into honesty for honesty's sake.

Desire and willingness must go hand in hand if we are to recover. If we have the desire to change, and we exercise the willingness to do so, then we will succeed. Our desire and willingness for honesty are fueled by our need for self-love and nurturing. Our desire to practice honesty grows when we see the direct benefits in our lives. The desire to take risks and be honest becomes less fearful. As we continue to do things that feel right, our desire grows. The willingness to act honestly and responsibly comes when we take action. When we're all jammed up, and we scream "Help me, what do I do?", we call our sponsors. They inevitably ask, "Are you willing to get real about this?" Getting real means getting honest. When we get real, we get to choose whether we go on as we are or make some changes. It is no longer necessary to live in procrastination and inaction.

Unavoidable pain and hardship may accompany us as we grow. We learn to focus on the growth with gratitude and stop giving energy to the pain. We learn to ask for help a thousand ways and help comes through each in time.

Through the Steps, we discover the things we've been doing to cause our problems and are relieved of the necessity to pursue them any longer. We learn the rules of responsibility and try to avoid injuring others through our actions or inaction.

As we experience personality change for ourselves, our goals change. We find money and possessions are meaningless if we don't feel good about ourselves. Sex in not only empty without love, it can be life threatening. A good reputation triggers self destructiveness if our insides don't match our outsides.

As these changes take place, we are experiencing a revitalization on every level: Mental, physical and spiritual. We don't get involved with plots because we don't like what plots bring. We don't allow authority figures to make us break laws, legal or moral. As we blink our way into the world of personal responsibility, we come to see the futility of scheming and manipulating others. Perhaps others can take chances. If we want the clean life and freedom from guilt, despair and embarrassment, we will not knowingly do wrong. Sadly, we know if no one else is aware of our wrongdoing, we ourselves are witnesses. And we know how to punish ourselves.

As honest mistake, even as intentional mistake where we were temporarily blinded to the negative effects, can be amended. Our disease is such that amends making is a survival skill. Amends need to be make quickly once an error has become known to us. We ask our higher power for strength and guidance. And we do what must be done to correct the wrong. We trust and have faith we will be guided. Often, we find ourselves in need of the basics that helped us get clean and stay clean in the first place to restore our sense of balance.