GENDER AND THE MESSAGE

One of the amazing things about the experiences shared in recovery is that we have lived them or will experience them ourselves, eventually. Experiences don't need any explanation. Living and enjoying life is the essence of life anyway. In our recovery literature, we read what others share on topics of mutual interest. The feeling that others care reinforces our desire for recovery and encourages us to reach for things that weren't possible not so long ago. One thing that we have learned is that the message of recovery in Narcotics Anonymous doesn't have a gender. People are people and no one has a corner on suffering. Feelings don't have a gender nor do behaviors.

Although some of us have to overcome a moderately to severely dysfunctional up bringing, we must remember that we don't all share the same experiences. If we suffered abuse at the hands of a member of the opposite or the same sex, it may take time and work for us to trust any member of that gender. Our own issues may keep us from hearing the recovery another addict shares, simply because of their gender. These issues can motivate us to judge and compare ourselves with others. Sometimes slowly, we learn that this is a WE Program and includes both men and women. To feel that we have to live as though it was them against us confines us in a world that is narrower than it needs to be. In time as we work the program, we develop a point of view that allows us to live life as free human beings amongst all other human beings. There is no way to win the ‘war of the sexes’ by fighting. The suffering that one experiences from the loss of the other side does not bring any peace and joy. A woman can learn about feelings and nurturing from a man as well as a man can learn about anger or violence from a woman. Stereotyping is one thing that fueled the lie, "Once an addict, always an addict." The point is that we need to be gentler when it comes to judging each other and helping each other.

Communication between the sexes, especially among addicts, is even more awkward than conversations between non-addicts. Other problems whether ours or another's such as mistaken identity, defensiveness, past painful experiences, etc. all make for difficulties in this crucial area of recovery. Out of the confusion that has dominated our lives, we begin to learn how to live. Many of us have special insight not only into our lives but also into our inter-personal relationships with others. Working the Fourth Step, we find assets among what we thought were liabilities and this affirms our sense of identity. No longer do we feel that we are at the mercy of the forces that surround us. Our self-acceptance as well as the freedom from the ego-induced fears grows as we get over our self-centeredness. Finally, we reach a point in recovery where we are no longer limited to the scope of our personal power in seeking direction for our lives. Something greater is caring for us. Basking in this freedom, we find ourselves at a deeper level of acceptance about our strengths and weaknesses. We reach out and discover many things about the world around us. Not only are we able to come out of the closet, we are able to go back and clean out the closet! When we become receptive to the forces of life around us, we can give and receive more freely. We have much revealed to us that we couldn't see or make sense of before. This is what being clean is all about. By helping others, we get help. When we share the truths that we discover with others, we increase our understanding as well as opening new doors for ourselves. Our sharing goes far beyond simple conversation. We demonstrate our love for one another and teach others that ask for help what we have learned.

We measure intimacy between people in terms of trust and shared experiences. A test of our motives and honesty is whether we act the same toward or treat a person the same as we would our same-sex best friend in a similar opportunity. Respect for others' feelings and privacy is the building block of having successful, intimate relationships. In recovery, we learn that intimate relationships are possible for us no matter the gender of the other person. Intimacy is a ‘fact of life’ and we will face it during our recovery. We emphasize that if you are sincere in your desire and put your recovery first, chances are that you will come through the tension and strain of any relationship, clean. It's when we put other things first that we seem to get in the most trouble. Our disease can make it seem as if a person, place, or thing got us loaded yet we all know that's a lie. We must take care not to drift into this justification mode lest we are sucked under and drown in the whirlpool of addiction. The presence of our desire for recovery makes us members of this Fellowship from the first moment that we commit to living the NA way of life. We cease to be members when we lose this desire, no matter whether we use or not. Some of our members have experienced a non-chemical relapse and have awakened the next day feeling like they had a physical hangover. Spiritual relapse is sometimes our last warning that something is terribly wrong with the way we are working the Program. It can be a strong motivator for us to renew our commitment to recovery.

One of the benefits that comes from going to many meetings, is that we learn not to practice our natural yet diseased ability to label the people, places, and things in our daily lives. Part of the damage done through active addiction is that we forget what everyday life is like and that everyone else feels the same things that we do. We spend a lot of time over-reacting or under-reacting to situations that need a response from us. It takes time to get it right. It's hard to overcome the social conditioning that we get from the wide range of advice-sellers and professional advice-givers. In the end, we realize that it's our responsibility to live our lives. We cannot blame our problems on others once we begin to take personal responsibility for our lives. Many of us struggle with obsessive thoughts of continuing to blame others and we can easily alienate ourselves as part of our addiction's general isolation.

It's a clearly recognizable part of our disability to act repeatedly on our preset responses to common situations. Many of us don't even know what it means to date or have a casual relationship. Many of us don't know what it's like to depend on others without being constantly let down. Much of recovery is discovery and it's this inquisitive attitude that enables us to do things differently in order to experience the variations that life offers. Some of us had the ‘couples’ mentality so deeply instilled in us that having friends without sex was impossible. With a ‘couples’ mentality, we view every encounter as a potential marriage or relationship. We have to approach others carefully to actually understand and experience what the other person is saying or doing. We find life between estrangement and total intimacy. So much of our lives are lived in the fear of the recurrence of past pain. We spend so much time with our guard up that we can't see what's happening today! We carry our pasts into our present and our childhood is with us forever.

Society as a whole is like the ocean with all kinds of life in it. We seek to feel that we have a protected place for our recovery. We don't knowingly swim with sharks or unquestionably accept everything just because it comes from the greater culture. We share with one another the freedom to determine what our way of life will be from day to day. If we didn't stress this freedom, we would be ignoring the sensitivities that our members have because of painful experiences from their active addiction. It's safe to say that we suffer from a family disease. Some of the abuse we survived and learned as children will continue to make us overly sensitive today. Women, victimized by men, may feel more alarm than necessary, until they get used to their new state of existence in recovery. Men, taught to hide their emotions in order to prove their manhood, suffer in many of the same ways. Men reared in matriarchal households have a similar problem as the women who automatically feel inferior to men. It's difficult to recognize the similarity because it's so easy to see the differences. In general, we regard everything that happens in recovery as something we need to know about. Usually, we need more than one response to the situations that arise during the process of recovery. Social standards may or may not have a place in this and that's for each of us to determine. This is not to say that we act crazily or wildly. Most of us are rather calm in recovery except in situations that can arouse great pain or fear in us. Recovery helps us settle down to living life on life's terms but we must constantly move towards this goal.

Most of our members seek sponsors of the same sex. They feel that this allows them to have a sponsor who identifies with them as a man or as a woman without the necessity for explanations that might arise between men and women. Reflecting on the great variety of our members, there are those who have to find a person who suits them regardless of what others may think. Sincerity speaks for itself in spite of the fact that our members sometimes live beyond established norms.

We don't apologize for our openness. It plays a big part in our common welfare. Gender confusion is a reality of the world in which we live. Some women need to learn how men work in order to learn that they aren't so different and begin to identify with persons of that gender. Some men feel confused about how women work and have problems identifying or understanding. Many of our members suffer confusion about gender issues. We learn not to isolate from another addict simply because of gender.

It's a good thing that we look at our similarities and not the things that would separate or divide us. The idea is to encourage each other to be whole, healthy human beings. We encourage women, if they choose, to be feminine and attractive as well as allowing men to be handsome, courtly, and charming. Likewise, men can be gentle and loving while women can be strong and assertive. In other words, we can all be human and express our emotions in a way that matches our true personalities and meets the situation or demands of the moment. We want our Fellowship to be a safe environment and not another place with severe social pressures and punishments for non-conforming offenders.

We will experience many types of relationships during recovery. Our relationships during recovery are usually one of two types and give us the opportunity to ask questions and experience different types and degrees of closeness. Small ‘r’ relationships include friends in our home groups, our local Fellowship, our sponsor, family, and co-workers. We enjoy giving special attention and support without reservation or expectations to the special people in our lives. Large ‘R’ relationships are the exclusive loving of a specific individual where the sharing of life becomes a commitment to the other person. These relationships affect our health, our finances, and our overall well-being. If the other person has family or financial obligations, these become ours as well. If the other person has health problems, we accept them as our own. What we do becomes the proper business of the other. It is hard for the freedom of spirit and action to survive the demands placed on individuals by the demands of a ‘Relationship’ in early recovery. First things first. We aren't moralizing because we know how hard our emotions can be on us and we have to protect our fragile desire to live better lives against the intense battering of these emotional issues. When we do get in a relationship, there is a dance going on between our desire for recovery and our desire to get lost in the love of the other person.