One addict shared, "My idea of what is ‘normal’ is abnormal. What is the ‘job’ of the child in the family, then and now? I want to nurturing, love, the freedom to feel, and the ability to express their feelings to my children. However, these things aren't automatic to me yet so I still struggle almost daily. These characteristics didn't exist in the home where I grew up so I'm learning them here in NA. I remember that I suffered from verbal abuse and ridicule frequently as a child. I know well today, the frustration that my father felt. When things in my world don't go the way that I think they should, I suddenly feel like I'm my father. I have learned that when my primary concern is ‘what I want’ this frustration is at its greatest. When I feel this frustration at having no control, I naturally want to control something so why not my family. We are all too familiar with the fact that a child's spirit and self-esteem is easily curbed or broken by cycles of fear, ridicule, or intimidation. I know exactly how that feels and don't want that for my babies. My most interesting challenges as well as my greatest joys are in my interactions with my children. I have the desire to be a good father because I believe that there is nothing more important or more rewarding.

"I am learning to be a parent by being one. It's scary to think that I'm practicing on my 21/2-year-old son and 9-year-old stepdaughter. I know that I make mistakes and at times, I am unfair. I demand and expect a lot from our daughter and I show my love more openly with our son. I yell, criticize, and yes, even ridicule. This is usually when I'm in the midst of my frustration. I want to be in control of something because that's what I learned to do in my parents' home. What I'm learning in NA, is how to take it easy, relax, be gentle with my family and myself because we're all ‘being parented’ here in some way. When I've been mean, I admit it. I tell my kids that I'll try to do a little better. I tell them that I was angry and it's not their fault. I apologize rather than trying to justify my actions when I'm wrong. Sometimes, I want a hug but won't ask for one. I'm learning that a hug is something you can't get unless you give one. So I shove aside my fear of rejection (yes, even by my children) and simply ask for or better yet give a hug. I feel the love of all my families, my birth family, my partner and children, and my chosen family in NA when I demonstrate it. When I feel that love, I know that I am becoming who I want to be.

"As a parent, I am responsible to teach and guide my children as well as I can. I need to seek guidance and be open-minded about how I can best do this. In NA, I have learned to ask for the help that I need and that I will receive the guidance of my Higher Power. Nearly everyday, I find myself presented with the opportunity to meet challenges and grow. The most effective way of teaching and guidance that I share happens in the same way that I learn best, by example. I try to remember to practice these principles in all my affairs."

One addict shared: "Being a parent has been the biggest responsibility of my recovery because I feel that I can never quit or walk away from it. Having someone depend on me was always a burden, however my child needed me whether I liked it or not. I realized, and later learned to accept, that I was no longer number one, that everything I did would affect someone else. Acceptance of this idea comes hard because the core of my disease is self-centeredness. Because of attending meetings, asking for help, praying, and practicing tolerance and patience, I gradually became an effective parent. The gifts that I've received as a parent have helped me in all areas of my life. Knowledge acquired through listening, teaching, and watching my child has proven useful when I'm interacting with others. Children are not that different from adults.

"Like my responsibility in sponsorship, my job as a parent is simply to guide and advise. I'm not here to prevent my child from pain, but to help her get through whatever life brings. It would be so easy to make her pain my pain and relate my own childhood dramas to her situations. The truth is that her issues are a part of her life and experience, not mine. I don't need to interject ‘my stuff’ into the situation. Parenting has provided me with the most joy as well as the most pain that I've ever experienced. In hard times, I always remember that no one can give me the things that my child has given me. During the painful times, I always try to remember the joy."

As one addict shared: "Parenting is now a joy! When I came into this program, I was in a separation from my wife and daughter. My daughter would cry when it was time for her to come to visit me. It was really a painful situation. Through the process of my recovery and the grace of God, I've been able to become a good parent. I try hard to not to be controlling and demanding but loving and caring instead. I'm learning what it is like to have a healthy relationship with my daughter. I'm able to honestly relate to her what I'm feeling and listen to what she has to share. I try to allow her to be who she is and not who I think she should be. Recovery has given me more time to spend with her. We do things that are fun, educational, and healthy. The things that I do today don't generate fear in her life like before."

A mother shared: "I enjoy love because for so long I can't really remember any love in my household. We never hugged nor did we show any affection. You see, today the Steps have shown me how to love and I can show my child some love and attention. For instance, everyday I tell my child, ‘I love you.’ I ask, ‘How was your day? Do you need help with your home work?’

"When I see something troubling my child, I ask him about it. I let him express himself good, bad, or indifferent. I let my child make some of his own choices. For instance, if my child wants to play baseball or football, he asks me about it. We discuss it and then I let him make the choice. Sometimes, we only discuss what kind of dessert he might want. I also speak to my child about drugs. This way, when he grows up, he knows how bad I had it and just maybe through the grace of God, my child won't have to go through what I went through. I take my son to NA meetings so he can learn also. I have days when I'm not okay and he'll ask me, ‘Mom, what's up? Express your feelings with me.’ That is only because I have brought him to many NA meetings.

"Sometime he'll even direct me to a meeting or tell me to call my sponsor because he knows that this program works. In addition, the communication skills that I learn from working with a sponsor, I use with my son. Communication is one very important tool when it comes to parenting a child in recovery. Teaching our children about values and morals is easier when done by example. Saying thank you, please, have a nice day or night, how are you today, or good morning are wonderful examples. Yet, I also show love by setting boundaries. I tell my son, ‘I'm the adult and you're the child. What you think and say is important but something may not always be okay. You have to listen to me.

"I believe in teaching children to be responsible. What I do with my son is give him ways to help with the chores. If he doesn't do his chores, he doesn't get his allowance. His chores are to make his bed, to take the trash out, and walk the dog. My son is eight years old. His allowance is $3.00 a week. If he doesn't do his chores, he doesn't get any money. I do this to teach him that you have to be responsible in the world. I'm the kind of parent that doesn't believe in hitting my child. I believe in punishment such as not letting him go out to play or not letting him play Nintendo. I may take something away from him that he likes doing. What he's done determines what kind of punishment he'll get."