CHAPTER SEVEN

Many of us didn't trust others simply because we didn't trust ourselves. Our addiction prostituted our wills, desires, and values. We tend to lose what we abuse. There are several levels of trust. We earn trust, gain trust, and sometimes expect trust. For us addicts, feeling worthy of trust comes from living spiritual principles. All of the spiritual principles of NA are equally important. People respond to us in a more positive manner today. We check our personal motives in our conscience in order to determine whether we are living 'recovery or addiction'. When we work with a sponsor and others close to us in the Fellowship of NA, we receive guidance and instruction. We share and grow in the process.

Relapse can reinforce an idea that we have suffered a betrayal of our trust and love. We wonder what happens to our secrets when another member gets loaded. Our ultimate faith and trust must be with a power greater than WE are. We trust that a loving God will work things out. Trust has to do with the commitment of being true to one another. Our need for help is so intense because growth in recovery moves us into areas of life where we lack personal experience and self-confidence. Often we try to live by what we saw on TV or heard from another person instead of talking with our sponsors or other members. This means that we have to stay close to someone, either a sponsor or friend, who can help us if we have trouble or make mistakes. The important thing is that we keep trying and asking for help until we begin to succeed. We will succeed if we keep trying, in almost every case. This means that even when we think we have failed, we should keep trying. This is where spiritual courage is necessary.

Personality change requires that we trust the principles of NA enough to get results. We need clean addicts, home group members, and a good sponsor to receive the full benefits of the program. Our dreams of recovery at times seem a long way off. Dream realization can start with fantasy and the support from trusted friends who know how hard we're trying to do better is invaluable. The difference between realization and fantasy is the follow-through. If at first we don't succeed we try, try, and try again. We check with our sponsor and friends to find out where we're getting off-track. It may be that we just need to give it a little more time. Trust is the key to doing many of these things. Letting our guard down may seem foolish unless our belief system includes the idea that a loving, all-powerful God is looking out for our well-being. When we replace our defect of lying with a dependence on the Spirit, we expect some changes.

We tend to barter our minimal good behavior with our 'enablers' to get their approval and support by threatening misbehavior. Some call this 'strategic disability', pretending to need help. There will always be people for us to manipulate but as we grow in conscience, we notice how this makes us feel bad. This game takes over our life. The time it takes to play the game causes guilt. This makes it hard for us to find someone who comes across as real. Many, if not all, of us play variations of this game during active addiction. Principles that will work better must eventually replace this game. Like learning many spiritual principles, this can seem a little far-fetched in the beginning. Looking back, most of us can see how much support came to us from sources that were generally supportive. In addition to the miracles, we can now go forward in life without harming others. We learned not to trust in active addiction so we have to learn to trust again. How can we get to tomorrow if we are stuck in yesterday?

For many of us, learning to trust started by sharing with a few select members and then only small bits at a time. One of the most important of these few select members was a sponsor. The more we share and let our guards down, the more we found that other addicts understood and could relate to us. The more we are willing to share, the more a part of NA we feel, and our trust grows proportionately. Another aspect of trust is to trust the NA way of life as well as our Higher Power's will for us. Things may not always go the way we want because God can say no or show us another way. Life seems to go better when we can trust God's will for us and we just show up for the ride. Sometimes we learn a lot about trust by taking a service position in our home group. Doing simple things like emptying ashtrays, making coffee, and setting-up for a meeting are good places to start.

Being able to share our feelings without having to keep our guards up is a freedom. From living a non-caring and non-feeling life to having someone tell us, "Yeah, that happened to me also," or "I love you and it's going to be OK", is quite a change. One of the great advantages in our newfound freedom is the ability to experience intimacy with others. We were people who have used anything entrusted to us in our attempts to hurt or manipulate others but we can grow into someone who is trustworthy. It is without a doubt 'risky business' but it's certainly better than never trusting again. Trust is an accurate indicator of our renewed health and recovery. We have to trust ourselves before we can trust someone else. We may want to take a simple look now and then to make sure the response we are getting matches up with the signal that we put out. Our signal may match the response and we owe it to ourselves to evaluate the situation honestly.

Some of us deliberately study our facial expressions and body language for this purpose. We have picked-up habits, traits, or mannerisms that are offensive to other people and they protected our isolation in active addiction. At that point of time in recovery when we want more people in our lives, we may want to change some of these ways of doing things. Feeling forced to play the role of 'victim or victimizer' is an example of this. We become trustworthy and we grow in our ability to trust others. We can find many more choices today. We are freer. Going to extremes eats up a lot of our energy and gives us very little comfort or clarity. When we stop depending on crises to keep others from getting too close to us, it dawns on us that we are more trusting.

Our common welfare depends on our capacity and willingness to love and support one another. We are never alone. We get scared and do stupid things yet we learn to make amends and look for ways to get over our pain and distrust. Trust is a tool for living. Without this tool, we won't be able to interact with other people in healthy ways. The all-or-nothing approach to living hinders personal progress for many addicts. We don't have to trust people who are not trustworthy. We don't have to place our recovery in jeopardy in order to demonstrate trust. Still, we all need a few people that we know are on our side and will not betray us, no matter what. Scarred is a word that looks like scared. Our scars are pictures drawn in our flesh and on our souls by the pain that we have survived. The scars on our emotional being are also visible in our actions and reactions to others. It is a sad fact that the pain of an unusually hellish moment will stay with us until we 'face it'. It causes us to use 'pain-avoidance' to prevent a situation that would, at best, be difficult to duplicate even if we tried. Realistically, we can process what happened and what we need to stay away from to avoid this type of repetition. We get on with our lives, rather than feeling permanently crippled by our pain.

Trust is required if we're to participate in the processes of healthy living. We have re-discovered long dead dreams in the 'springtime' of recovery that only the clean know about. We trust those with whom we share. Addiction is dream death. We need humane support in order to let our issues surface. We can then haul them into full view. The aspects of our mental and spiritual existence that was drowning in our active addiction can again flourish in the light of recovery. Personal service goes far beyond helping us learn how to stay clean. It revives the things we wanted to do when we grew up but didn't get a chance because our addiction intervened and sucked-up all of our energy. Recovery is actually a 'coming out' of a spiritual nature. When we discover something spiritually important to us, we have to share it or express it in some way with someone who will affirm the reality of our experience. Otherwise, we stay where we're at and find it impossible to do more than stir the kettle of character traits without having the ability to throw-out spoilage and add some new stuff. Personal service is the acknowledgment of our spirituality starting with our first surrender and going forward with us into this new life. Others give us their personal service until we learn how to do it for others. We acknowledge the real person in another human being. We recognize a little of ourselves in them and a little of them in us. We know that this inner person could not control what happened when they were loaded - they were powerless. We have to be able to separate what we did while using from who we are in order to regain hope and trust for ourselves. The major trouble generally goes away almost as soon as we stop using but the refinement of recovery takes a lifetime.

From this point, recovery becomes straightforward and sensible. Why we use and how we lose the obsession may seem to be mysterious but recovery shows and speaks for itself. Our inner being surfaces more frequently and once free it begins to dominate our thinking and behavior. Our fellow recovering addicts accept in us what they have learned to accept in themselves. We know that we are different people clean and that the laws which we were up against while we were loaded are no longer a problem. It is humorous to watch someone who was a burglar in active addiction complain about someone else stealing their toothpaste. Life on the surface can be much different than it seems. As our ability to come out and share our real self with others increases, we expand the circle of friends with whom we can exchange trust safely. We see exactly how we replenish or deplete our own resources. Helping others helps us. We find that we help others with exactly the things that caused us problems in the past. Trust is what we need to support us in our effort to obtain a personality change. We need others who have no ulterior motives to provide the references that we need so that we can tell fact from fantasy - the real from the unreal. Learning to trust others is simply part of the process of learning to trust ourselves.

Reality stinks sometimes. Many times getting clean leaves us feeling mortally wounded and it takes time for these wounds to heal. In the meantime, we must trust something so why not the Program of Narcotics Anonymous. Since it worked for so many addicts that came before us, we know that it can work for us. In the beginning, we heard that we have to share to stay clean and we trust this even if we share out of a sense of desperation. We fear that we may return to our old way of life. Nonetheless, we begin to trust the things that we were told when we were newcomers enough to try them. Our trust increases after we stay clean for a while. This is partially due to placing a degree of blind trust in a Higher Power long before we became convinced that the Program would work for us.

Can NA leadership skills be taught? Our leaders are but trusted servants, directly responsible to those they serve so how do we train people to exercise kind, caring and effective leadership?

This is a question/problem that seems very prevalent in NA -- there is often a core of concerned, hard-working NA members in a community, but they have trouble recruiting others into service. They are very good at doing things themselves, but they are not very effective at recruiting others to help. This greatly limits their ability to carry the message!

Experienced NA people don't always pass on their service experience. Many have had the chance to make mistakes and learn from others. There are many, many people with talent and energy in NA, but they'll stay out of service unless they are approached in a certain way. By the way, this is exactly the way I like to be treated, too!

We’ve all seen the committee chairperson who ‘knows’ the right way to do things, and then complains that they can't get any helpers. It's like an obsession -- these leaders who see exactly how the 'finished product' should look, and then try to use people as tools to carry our their vision. This rigidness clouds people's minds.

Take your average NA member, elected as H&I chair. The first thing he does is to call a committee meeting. He gets a few people, sure, but not many. The chair uses the meeting to start talking about the needs and problems of the hospitals and treatment centers in the area and how there are one or two faltering H&I meetings. Some issues are discussed, and maybe there's even a vote. Mainly, though, there's talk about getting more people involved! Next meeting, same thing . . . the chairperson gets frustrated. He ‘knows’ what should be done in those hospitals and other places, but no one seems to want to help! Puzzled and disheartened, he tries to do all of the area's H&I meetings himself, with maybe one or two helpers. He gets very tired, and can't understand why other NA members won't lift a finger to help!

Please consider a completely different approach: take the H&I committee and figure out what the overall goal is. Do we want to give every treatment center patient an introduction to NA once during their stay? Do we want to give all patients a weekly NA meeting? Is it enough to make literature available, without actual meetings? We have to have a rough idea of ‘where’ we're going! this become the ‘goal’ of the whole committee. It's discussed among the few people who come to the first few committee meetings.

After the committee's main goal is agreed on, then it is divided up into lots of smaller goals. Each of these goals will equal one service position. One goal could be to introduce patients at St. Mary's Treatment Center to NA at least once during their four weeks there. Or, another goal could be to give any willing patient at Central Treatment Center a ride to the Wednesday night NA meeting . . .When, say fifteen of these goals have been identified, the recruiting begins. That's one of the main jobs of a committee chair -- recruiting! The other is supporting and encouraging the other committee members. A good chairman doesn't get bogged down in the details, but instead works on finding good people, agreeing on the goals of their position, and then turning them loose with full support. She monitors everything by talking in a friendly way with people, and offering them help (in the form of more money or more people). A good chairperson lets others take care of the details and decisions.

When recruiting people, the chairperson should always have a job in mind. "Tom, would you be willing to be IN CHARGE of bringing an NA experience to the patients at St. Mary's? You'd be FREE to do the job ANY WAY YOU WANT." Tom hesitates, and says, "Well, I dunno.." At this point, the committee chair says, "Thanks for not saying No right away! Please take a week and think about it -- you would be completely IN CHARGE of NA at St. Mary's -- I'd support whatever you decided to do there. I'll talk to you again in a week and see what you think."

Recruiting like this is fairly easy. Visiting meetings all over town, approaching active NA people. Of course, many people have been burned by NA committee work and say ‘NO’ to more service. But there is a ‘strong’ attraction to being IN CHARGE of something -- the chance for a person to put his or her personal stamp on a project! Eventually, you'll find people who'll say "Yes" and that's when the challenge ‘really’ starts.

The challenge is letting people do things ‘their’ way, instead of the way you ‘know’ is right! Yes, you have experience and don't want other to make the same mistakes you did. Yes, NA's reputation must be protected and we shouldn't waste a lot of time, money and energy. But it's like the difference between babysitting and adoption.

If you give your baby to a ‘babysitter’, you expect that person to follow your plans and procedures -- you have the right to give them suggestions and directions. "No! Hold the baby's head more carefully. That's it." In contrast, if you give your baby up for adoption, you loose any right to give directions. In fact, it's not your baby at all anymore!

Some committee chairs in NA seem to expect other committee members to ‘baby-sit’ part of the chair's big plan. Naturally, no one's got the time to ‘baby-sit’ someone else's baby for free -- they're busy with their own lives and recovery. That's where I feel like I've discovered nuclear energy - the key is letting people completely ‘adopt’ parts of a big project. The word ‘adopt’ is appropriate, because the committee chair must avoid ANY discussion of ‘how’ another committee member is doing their job. Just as you wouldn't criticize another parent for the way she is raising her child, an NA chair shouldn't criticize or ‘even comment on’ how another person chooses to handle his part of the big project. That baby's been adopted and the chairperson has just got to live with that person's ‘parenting’ style!

If you're a committee chair, your new committee members will test you on this right away. They'll look at your eyes and say, ‘I was thinking of having a purple watermelon punch as the main beverage for the convention. What do you think of that?" It's so easy to answer, "That's interesting. Are you going to have Coke too? I think a lot of people like Coke: Wrong! That person was just ‘testing’ whether they were a babysitter or a parent. The chairperson's comment showed that the convention refreshment person we just babysitting, because the chair showed that she had a definite idea about how the refreshment job should be done.

The ‘correct answer’ is to say, "Tom, I trust your judgement. Whatever you want to do is OK with me! Uh, if you think you're going to make a decision that will be controversial, you might want to bounce it off some other experienced NA members, but in the end, I'll support whatever you decide to do!" Yes, this is a long speech but it works! Notice, there's no mention of the crazy purple watermelon punch at all -- a good chairperson refuses to mess with details.

If all of this seems easy, it is ‘not’! The first time someone in your Public Information Committee asks you, "I was thinking of giving as interview about NA to the local newspaper, what do you think?" you won't be able to resist commenting. When you see their face after you give your ideas though, their expression will say, "Hell! I'm just a babysitter after all!" It's not too late to apologize though and say, "Hey, don't listen to me -- I trust whatever you decide about newspaper stuff." With time, you'll get the hang of expressing this kind of trust, and people will light up! People are happy to get involved in NA service when they are given clear goals and then turned loose to achieve those goals with creativity and intelligence. No second-guessing from the chairperson. No looking over their shoulder and commenting on how things should be done. When people experience this kind of responsibility, trust and freedom, they don't go wild -- actually, they become ‘very’ careful in their decisions. Group conscience speaks through them. Now, it's ‘their’ reputation on the line! Their pride won't let them fail!

It should be mentioned that there is always the rare case where a committee member completely stops doing his job. It's like a parent who neglects his child -- if some friendly questions like, "Is everything all right? Do you need some help?" from the chair doesn't resolve the problem, then that part of the project can be ‘gently’ handed over to someone else. This kind of service work is never boring! - June 1998, Sapporo, Japan  

The ‘disease is between our ears.’ This is a powerful phrase for pointing out and reminding each of us that our spiritual condition is our responsibility. It is one thing no one can do for us. Gossip is a damaging social action. In a recovery context, it can also be like a person who is sick shows he or she is running a fever because their skin is hot. It can affect our fifth Tradition in recovery meetings. If a new person hears gossip about others, how long will it take for them to become the topic, especially if they have awful experience to share? It goes against anonymity. A program that specializes in taking in some of the worlds sickest people also takes in some of the world's most sickening people. We tend persuade others to take our side or viewpoint in things. An insightful member can hear someone gossiping and get with the person to help them process what they are hearing. Even this has to be done with care.

One time a newcomer was going over a group problem with me. The group was very upset about a particular member somewhat talking out of turn, being slightly disruptive and so forth. I assumed the problem was that he didn't know yet about certain things having to do with the background of the individual he was so offended by. I mentioned that our disease runs in families and that the facial features of the person seemed very like some pictures I had seen recently of persons who were born of parents who were in active alcohol addiction. The slightly distorted, features, reduced mental functions, etc. The point of my story is that I might have done leaving well enough alone. The kid who had been complaining felt so badly about attacking someone disabled like that, he may never have come back. This is one of those rotten little lessons that never comes again close enough to recognize and do better. Mentioning it here may be the only time I get to communicate it.

So, a lot of times for me, I try to look inside, beyond the surfaces, for what is really going on. One of the things I got from the Dune books by Frank Herbert was the idea that the health of a society can be judged by how it treats its dissenters. For me the idea became that a healthy society doesn't need to retaliate against dissention because it is secure in it foundation and doesn't have to react out of fear.

In a society of recovery addicts, we will always have those who challenge and oppose. It is part of the deal. Sometimes they will be right and we will be unable to hear them in time to do any good. But hopefully by surrendering and being open, we will do better. One of the things I love very much about this work and feel very devoted to is the way we reveal though time where we are really coming from.

Group consciousness functions by exchanging information and everyone gets to do this. Like a super, global family, we pray for wisdom to flow from a loving God centered mental and spiritual state out from the people who have it, through the people who need it to reach the people who have never thought of it - for the good of us all.

Much of it comes down to processing things that come up in our daily lives. Something that is considered known, may have been gotten wrong but is so specific that the error means nothing for a considerable time until an occasion to apply it comes along and it fails to work. We need to be able to constantly listen and review what we think we know to catch flaws before they do harm. Some of the things we hear have to be mixed with a ‘grain of salt’ to keep us from jumping to conclusions that may be erroneous or unfair. Judging others on our own experience can really create a lot of problems. Suppose we hear about a love affair. If we are happy in a relationship, we may have a somewhat tolerant, love and let love attitude. If we are frustrated and miserable, someone doing what we secretly want to do can arouse all the wrath of a Old Testament prophet. Recovering drug addicts are wondrously quixotic in this regard. At one of the world conventions I got to attend, a married woman was caught in bed with a man. Both were young and good looking. The man was being accused of rape by the woman. The person who came in on the lovers ‘in the act’ told me that she was on top and nothing visible was holding her in place. She didn't seem like someone being forced. Now the small circle of us recovering addicts who were informed on all this and in something of a position to make a call as to whether it be taken seriously or not were a little protective and bloodthirsty. What kind of animal would assault one of our sweet, sexy, attractive and outgoing little ladies! It was a trip. After to lady shared her impressions of what she had observed, I let out enough to eliminate the legal threats and let the people deal with their foolishness in a more contained manner. I always wish I had been able to console and make sure the guy was ok. In retrospect, it seems he was more likely the one who was ‘taken in’ by the situation and his main defect was in not being able to say ‘no’ to a beautiful woman who was open to his attentions. I hope they both are still clean.

While there can be no doubt that the damaging effects of irresponsible gossip will continue to exist, there is one more thing to consider: life is different in recovery. I had a member on my couch for a while. He was from the Miami Fellowship and very hot-headed. But he was also very street wise. One time I was sharing my inability to understand what the hell was going on in a particular situation and he cocked his head and looked at me. He liked me and seemed to look up to me in many ways. He said, "Don't you get it? Dope fiends cover their games with clouds of confusion." Since that moment, much has become clear to me.